Saturday, February 14, 2015

6DPO - Post Miscarriage Cycle

Obviously any cycle that begins with a miscarriage isn't going to be easy, and this one hasn't been. The good thing is I did finally ovulate and I'm pretty sure we caught it so the waiting will be over in 8 days or so. Of course I'm hoping for a pregnancy, but even a period will bring a lot of relief that the waiting is over.  I miscarried January 2nd and finally ovulated on February 8th, so that's CD38! Meaning this cycle will probably be over 50 days. That's quite a long cycle, even for a miscarriage, even for a woman with PCOS, even for me.

CD37 all taken at the same time. Top is the First Response
So now I'm two week wait, wait, waiting and it's actually moving along pretty quickly. My initial miscarriage bleeding/spotting ended on CD15, and then on CD34 I started spotting again. I thought it was my period, but it kept going away. I started using OPK's (that's a lie, y'all know I was using opk's that whole time waiting for something to happen), got EWCM on CD37 and a got a positive opk that night but it was really weak. It was only detected on my First response brand OPK. The strips and generic clear blue brand were still negative. I think that means it wasn't a strong surge, or maybe I tested too early on CD36 and just missed the surge? Maybe CD37 was only the tail end of it. Anyway, we DTD in the AM on CD38 so if I ovulated that day then we did everything we could. If I ovulated CD37 then we missed it. 

I seriously blame me not knowing my exact ovulation day on diet sodas. I've been drinking so many damn diet sodas that it's difficult to get a concentrated urine sample. It's hard to hold it for 3hrs! I ended up always testing too early at 4pm when 10pm is a much more accurate testing time for me. After the miscarriage I was so disgusted with my body that I feel like I tried to poison it. I indulged in sugar, alcohol, diet soda(still aspartame free), and all the things I'd given up in august in preparation to conceive a healthy baby in November. Since we conceived on our first try for the first time in my life, I thought it'd worked! Experiencing a failed pregnancy made me think it was all for nothing, and learning that my body had again failed to realize the pregnancy was lost made me feel even worse. So many women experience chemical pregnancies or miscarry before 6 weeks, but I keep getting strung along, even seeing heartbeats, and believing that my pregnancy will be a success before A DOCTOR finally has to force my body to miscarry long after the baby is lost. It's hard not to hate my body for this. In fact, before I ovulated when there was no sign of AF, I admit I did hate it and said it aloud. I thought it often. It was really a terrible way to feel and it made me think about all the women with eating disorders or obesity who hate their bodies. I've never known what it's like and now I do. I hope I never feel that way again and always feel like my body is capable of mistakes, but also capable of improvement. I guess now that I write this I realize I was describing hopelessness. I assure you, it was terrible.

All grown up!
In other news, this guy got a haircut this week
So now I'm doing all the things you do at 6DPO. I've been spotting every day since two days before ovulation. Is that normal for a post miscarriage cycle? I think it's normal for a long cycle. I know my lining is thick because I can just tell. If I do get AF it's going to be a doozy. I'm feeling cramps and tweaks and twinges. Was that pain from impending AF or was it a tube cramp like I got before implantation during my last pregnancy. Were those tube cramps during my last pregnancy a sign that something was wrong? I don't feel them as strong as I did last pregnancy and this time it's both sides, though more on the left. Last time it was just on the left and several times a day. Now it's maybe 3 times a day on the left and once or twice on the right. Is it twins? Is it nothing? On and on and on. I have to say though, symptom analyzing is a WAY better place mentally then where I was earlier in the month.