Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Infertility: Balancing hope with reality

From our Winter Beach Trip this month
I'm so thankful for my first post without 'miscarriage' in the title. It will never be totally over, but thank goodness it's as over as it's going to get. I got my first negative pregnancy test on Jan 21st, cycle day 20, and for some reason expected to ovulate in the next few days. That hasn't happened, and it kind of makes sense. I think most people ovulate late after a miscarriage, if at all. I'm now on CD25 and I feel like my reproductive system has completely shut down. I feel absolutely nothing. No cramps, hardly any discharge, and not a twinge or anything. I'm hoping for a positive opk, but after my 12 week missed miscarriage I had a 44 day cycle. I think that's looking pretty likely.

Instead of being depressed about it, I'm seeing some positives. First, I'm doing great at the gym getting back into my pre-pregnancy fitness routine and really enjoying running. I was even able to do some sprints today. Secondly, I know it's a slim chance of getting preggo this cycle, but if I O late then we are getting awfully close to being able to have Halloween themed birthday parties! Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. We do a million community events and trick or treats the entire week beforehand. It would be so fun to throw a kid birthday party that week! I'd let the kids wear their costumes to it or maybe we'd get costumes just for the party and have a different theme each year. Would that be AWESOME?!

I know, I know, this isn't going to happen. I shouldn't get my hopes up, but it's tough to balance hope with the reality of infertility. With infertility, you learn that the perfect dates never happen. You play around with numbers so often and see anniversaries, holidays, and ideal age gaps between children up ahead and the potential for the perfect storm of numbers to strike with the next pee stick. But they don't. And yet, how do you do this without hope? How do you try and try for month after month without hope? The high's of ovulation and even BFP are nothing compared to the devastating lows of another month wasted, or another child lost. I don't know what else to do besides cheerfully plan for my Halloween baby, which would be the perfect time because it's my favorite holiday.  If that doesn't work out then I'll plan for my thanksgiving baby, which will be the perfect time because both my maternal grandparents have birthdays near thanksgiving. If that doesn't work out I'll have a Christmas baby, which will be the perfect time because I definitely need a reason to like that holiday more. When you're trying to conceive, then the perfect time to have a baby is NOW.

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