Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Pregnancy After Loss

Feels weird to still be having issues because my last pregnancy resulted in such a wonderful, easy and loving baby boy, but I'm realizing more and more as each year goes by that I took my 12 week miscarriage really hard. I think I took it harder than most. I don't know why that is, but now, 3yrs later, instead of trying to find a way 'to get over myself' I'm instead trying to accept myself.

I suffered my loss on New Year's day. Last year I was so determined to get over myself and be appreciative of what I had instead of mourning what I lost, I decided to go to my family's annual New Year's Eve party. I ended up getting ridiculously drunk in front of my whole family! It was so embarrassing and I guess they've all forgotten why this day is so difficult for me although almost none of them even acknowledged the loss in the beginning anyway so maybe they don't even care. 

These guys are the best distractions! 

This year I'm pregnant, and it's the first year I'm really acknowledging the anniversary of my loss and letting myself feel sad and have a difficult time. Ironically, letting myself have a hard time has made it the easiest year thus far. I've teared up a few times and felt a little shaky and out of control once, but I spent day on New Year's Eve taking my kids out to our neighboring city to run errands and the distraction helped a lot. I arranged to be home instead of away visiting family and I'm glad. It feels like I'm closer to my angel baby. It's been nice to just acknowledge the loss and now I realize that I was running away from it before.

It forever changed me, and I feel like I've had even more anxiety this pregnancy than I did last time. Some days I really 'feel pregnant' and feel very positive and confident, other days I wake up and just know that I'm going to get bad news. It's been quite a roller coaster. I'm so glad I'm 'out' on twitter and the blog now so I have a more supportive outlet than my pregnancy journal. I'm hoping to do weekly update posts just like I did last time and I'm looking forward to blogging that journey again. I really enjoyed it last time! I'm steeling myself for the worst news so I can handle it better than last time, but very much hoping for the best. Next scan is on Friday and I'll certainly update twitter immediately. I'll update the blog on my weekly update. Yay, for weekly updates!