Monday, September 3, 2012

The Big 3-0. Marriage, Mommyhood, and Miscarriage

I'm 30! I feel like I should take this oppurtunity to step back and look at my life, but it's hard when I'm right in the middle of it.  It's easier to look back or look forward.  My life isn't perfect, but I'm happy.  Of course there are things I wish I could change or take back, but I love my day to day life.  Being a stay-at-home-mom is awesome. It's great, and that's the reason my life is as good as it is.

While my marriage certainly needs some work, I think all married couples with a 2.5yr old would say that.  Our marriage just requires more time and consideration.  Every day I'm still so appreciative that I lucked into the perfect man for me, and I continue to be amazed at how much my DH can accomplish.  He works so hard to do right by his family and make good decisions that I often worry about how much stress and pressure he puts on himself.  I wish he had more time for just me, but I certainly don't see any openings in his schedule so it's hard to feel slighted.  There's so many statistics on the poor marital success rate for my generation, I can't wait to make it to 5yrs and show off that we're one of the lucky ones.

Me at 30!
At 30yrs old, I have one child here with me on earth about to start preschool, one in heaven whom I miss terribly and know almost nothing about, and one growing within my belly.  It almost feels like I have one with me, one in heaven, and one in-between.  I know how fragile life is, and I admit it's hard to believe this third child is actually going to join me.  I really love being a mom, and I love being pregnant just as much, but I do feel behind.  I feel like I started having kids later than most, and then this more-than-I-wanted age gap between these two living children will always be a reminder that this wasn't how it was supposed to be and there's someone missing.  Taking family pictures since the miscarriage has been OK, because it's still just the three of us as it has always been, but I can't imagine taking a family picture of the four of us when it should be five.  While imagining introducing my son to his brother makes me happy, the thought of our first family picture brings tears to my eyes.  I wish my second child was here.

For a long time I was so eager to be 'over it'.  So many people seem to get past miscarriage so much easier or at least quicker than me.  I'm glad I'm not under any delusion that this birth will fix me.  This is not that baby.  I didn't cry when DS was born.  I was so happy!  I couldn't stop smiling, but I suspect I will downright sob when I hold this baby and I see exactly what I lost that day.  Some might think it's wrong or unappreciative of this baby, but I don't think that at all.  I'm just not over it.  I wouldn't call myself a broken woman or anything like that, but I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm not over it.  I know I won't magically be over it after the birth, and at this point I don't ever see me getting there.  This is a pain I'll carry with me for the rest of my life, and I'm comfortable with that.  In a way, leaving the pain behind would be leaving that last piece of my baby behind, and I'm glad I won't forget.  I'll still cry when I tell my son's about their unknown sibling, or when I'm trying to come up with the words to comfort a woman going through her own tragedy.

While I'm clearly not over it, I do think I've moved on.  Many people consider those the same thing, but I put a lot of time and effort into recovering from the miscarriage, making sure my son and I stayed active in our playgroups and various activities, and getting in good physical shape to try again.  We tried once naturally, and then with a fertility drug.  We're now preparing our home to welcome a new child.  My life is not paused at that moment, it has continued, and I'm glad.  I'm not over it, but I've moved on.

Maybe I'm missing some huge piece of my life, but I think this is pretty much the sum of me at 30. Working on my marriage, raising my oldest child, expecting my next baby, and recovering from a devastating loss.  Looking over this post, I'm even more satisfied than I thought I was.  It seems my whole life revolves around my family, and how great is that!

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