Thursday, September 27, 2012

26 Weeks - How I'm Feeling Update

How Far Along? 26 weeks. Geez, all of a sudden seem to be going at a snail's pace. I want to be in the 3rd trimester!

We Went Hiking on Monday. I made it to the top!
Any Pregnancy News? Had my GD test last week, and called for the results on friday. Passing is anything below 140, and I just scraped by at 136. Eek! The nurse said there was no need for me to test again, but they would be speaking with me about my diet at my next appt. At first I was upset because I thought surely with my healthy diet and exercise regime I would pass with flying colors.  However, after thinking about it further I realized I did pass, I don't have GD, and I don't even have to test again.  All things considered, I'm pretty lucky. I also didn't run AT ALL this week. I hiked on monday, but aside from that and a few 2 mile walks I haven't exercised at all.  I'm hoping next week I balance things a little better.

Position of baby? Yes, yes, the baby has plenty of time to go head down, but I decided to add this category since I'm now actively working towards that end.  There's a lot a pregnant woman can to this early in pregnancy to improve the position of the baby that can't be done later on. My son was head down at 20 weeks, and I don't want to wait until it's too late to try to turn this one. The baby is still transverse, and I'm now doing one or two inversions per day to loosen my stomach ligaments to give him room to turn.  I'm doing positive visualizations of him head down, and following a lot of the other recommendations from the spinning babies program.

Maternity clothes? yes! All maternity, all the time. I was thinking of cutting out this category, but soon we'll be to the part where even maternity clothes don't fit. So, I'll keep it in for now.

Weight Gain? Up 25lbs! Considering I haven't exercised at all this week besides walking and hiking, I think I did pretty good. At this point I'm curious to see how long I can keep my weight gain below my number of weeks.  I ususally do gain 2lbs a week, so we'll see if I'm still under 27lbs gained next week.

Sleep? No problems there! We went hiking this week and the next night I was awoken from a dead sleep with a horrible calf cramp, but aside from that, no sleep issues at all. Not including when DS wakes up.

Gender? It's a boy!

What I miss? I always miss my second child. I haven't been running very well, and I miss that. But, I hope it's just a temporary thing and I can return to my former glory ;)

Labor signs? I think I've been getting more BH contractions, but if so, they've been really mild. I greet everyone with the hope that this time I'll have a shorter labor than I did with my son's birth!

Movement? Yep! This little guy seems strong and stubborn. He moves so much I haven't taken out my doppler in weeks. I'm happy he's moving so much because aside from being reassuring, it's what helps me tell his position. It's pretty clear when I feel kicks on the left and punches on the right that he's still transverse.

Food Cravings? Occurred to me the other night that I haven't counted lemonade as a food craving even though I'll have about 4 glasses a week. That tart/sweet combo really hits the spot! I think I didn't think it was a food craving because I've always enjoyed lemonade, but I'm having a lot more than usual so it probably is baby related!

What I'm looking forward too? Let's get this show on the road! I'm ready to get into the third trimester. I'm only 26weeks now and it seems too early to really dive into birth stories and start emotionally preparing for the birth. It's too soon to accept that I'm not getting a 2nd baby shower and start buying those last items to get us ready. It's too soon to go through DS's old baby clothes, wash them, and fold them in the baby dresser.  C'mon third trimester!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

25 weeks - How I'm Feeling Update

I love how this pic turned out!
How Far Along? - 25 weeks! While getting to 24 weeks felt like the pregnancy was going so fast, now I'm eager to get to 28weeks and into the 30s.  I can't wait to start preparing for birth. I can't wait to have a baby!

Any Pregnancy News? Last weekend the baby briefly turned head down. He was that was for about 3 days, and while I'd been waiting for that to happen to resolve my mild hip pain, it made everything so much worse! Hip pain was much worse, and that's when I started peeing myself. Not just a sneeze tinkle, but having pee accidents like a 3yr old. Ugh.  I started wearing maxi pads for some protection.  Luckily I had an OB appt on tues, and she said it's most likely because my son sat at +2 station (very low) for 3 weeks before his birth.  She thinks I'm very stretched out down there, so I may have some late term symptoms much earlier than most.  She also thinks I'm at risk of having bladder issues later in life.  I know a lot of people would be upset, but it just doesn't seem that bad. Even if I'll have a lifetime of incontinence, it seems totally worth it to get to have another baby. Things got a little better after he went back to transverse, but I'm still peeing myself a lot more than I was before the event. I still wish he'd go back to head down even though it causes tough symptoms, I know he has lots of time, but a breech baby would put a serious dent in my plans for natural labor.  I'd like him to go head down just for peace of mind.

Maternity clothes? Finally outgrew my size up running shorts. I can still wear my oversized gym shorts, but they have to sit so low I feel like they need something underneath.  My mom got me some maternity capri leggings, and they will do for now.  I wish I was brave enough to just do the leggings without the shorts, but I'm not!

Weight Gain? I lost a pound this week. Where did my appetite go? I swear I just have not been hungry at all.  Despite not eating, I have been drinking more water which makes me feel better about it. Even with losing a pound I'm still up 24lbs from pre-pregnancy.  I'm curious if I have a chance of keeping my total weight gain under 45lbs.  I still don't think that's possible, but losing a pound gives me hope.  I didn't run as much this week and am curious if perhaps that's responsible for my lack of appetite.

Sleep? I do have a few wake ups, and toss and turn, but overall I'm happy with my quality of sleep.  I think the biggest problem this week has been trying to keep DS's room a constant temperature.  He's been getting cold, waking up, and hopping in our bed pretty often and that pretty much ruins sleep for the night.

Gender? It's a boy!

What I miss? I always miss my second child. I haven't been running very well, and I miss that.  But, I hope it's just a temporary thing and I can return to my former glory ;)
Labor signs? I think I've been getting more BH contractions, but if so, they've been really mild. I greet everyone with the hope that this time I'll have a shorter labor than I did with my son's birth!

Movement? um...YES! a lot. Geez this kid feels huge! That's how I know his position. Instead of lots of rolling movement, he kicks and punches and I can tell where his arms and legs are. I can already tell, still transverse this morning!

Food Cravings? Oh man, do I want cinnabon cinnamon rolls. I had my GD test this week (still don't have the results) and have been waiting to indulge this craving until afterwards to avoid sugar overload.  Since we don't have a cinnabon here, I'm not sure if I'll just get some giant walmart bakery cinnamon rolls or see what the grocery store has.

What I'm looking forward too? Like I said earlier, I'm already looking forward to being more pregnant! I want the baby to move to head down, feel even stronger kicks, get an even bigger belly, and be even more pregnant. I love being pregnant!

Baby Prep Accomplishments? I finished moving DS's clothes from the baby dresser to his big kid dresser, and that's it. It only took me 15minutes. lol. I keep saying it, but this time I'm REALLY going to start to paint the guest room this week.

That's all for this week!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

24 weeks! Viability!

How Far Along? 24 weeks! yay! A significant milestone for me. In my small town hospital, they will make no effort to save a baby until 24 weeks.  They will not make any effort to stop labor or hospital bedrest before 24 weeks.  I have a healthy pregnancy, but it's still a relief to know that now if anything goes wrong, I will receive treatment instead of an apology.
I have to quit taking belly pics
at work at 2am. Not pretty!

Any pregnancy news? It was such a busy week. MIL visited over the weekend and then my mom arrived on tuesday and left this morning. I was going to take DS to library storytime, but he slept so late we're going to enjoy a much needed lazy morning. In bloggy news, I posted about my experience with Secondary Infertility.  My next OB appt is on tuesday and I'll be happy to get my GD test done maybe on friday.  I know my fundus will be measuring large for dates, so it will be a relief to rule out GD. Oh, and how can I forget, WE DECIDED ON A NAME! I didn't realize how much stress that was causing me until it was gone. We won't be revealing the name to anyone until the birth, but I love it and I'm so excited we have it!

Maternity clothes? Mom bought me a pair of maternity yoga pants. YAY! That may be the most exciting news of the pregnancy. lol. Also some leggings that might work for running. I know I could run in yoga pants, but then they'd be all sweaty and unavailable the rest of the time. I want to wear them all the time!

Weight Gain? 25lbs! That's up 4lbs from last week.  We went out to eat 5 times already this week, so I think it's partly from that, and partly from pregnancy and the baby growing.  It would be easy for me to freak out, but I know I gain a lot during pregnancy. It's just how my body works.  I haven't been eating cinnabon's or a lot of sugary foods like last pregnancy, and it seems like I'm still gaining just as much or more.  It will be quite the challenge to lose it this summer!
On the treadmill last week

Sleep? I've been dreaming a lot this week which I consider to be not as restful sleep, and I often wake on my back or some other uncomfortable position and have to move.  It's certainly tolerable, but I think I've said goodbye to comfortable sleep for this pregnancy. It's about time, I think I was lucky to make it this far!

Gender? It's a boy!

What I miss? I always miss my second child. Fall has hit here in the mountains and all the microbreweries are coming out with their fall brews.  I really want to try them! But fall will be here again next year, and I'll have two kids!

Labor signs? Not really, a few BH contractions and thats it! Yay! Still a few more months to go.

Movement? I haven't used my doppler in forever because I feel LO move so much.  It's great! I still worry because he doesn't move as much as DS, but his movements are so much stronger even though they don't occur as often. I kinda get this feeling this little guy is a bulldog. lol.

Food Cravings? I had my first milkshake last night. Oh geez. I was purposefully not having them because I knew how much I'd love it.  I have a glass of chocolate milk almost everyday, and that's been so satisfying, but now that I've had a milkshake I don't know if I'll be able to resist! Hopefully just being fiscally responsible will help me at least limit them.

What I'm looking forward too? When my mom was here she recalled DS's first time eating a potato chip.  He liked it, but with every bite was so surprised by the crunchy sound.  It was so funny to watch! I can't wait to build memories like that with my new baby.  I can't wait til baby gets older and see how he interacts with DS.

Silly Faces!
Baby Prep Accomplishments? We had so many visitors this week I could barely keep the house clean. Tomorrow while DS is at preschool I'm still going to clean, but this weekend I want to start prepping the guest room to be painted. It will also serve as a playroom and multi-purpose staging area for us, so I want to get it looking nice. Our upstairs laundry room comes off it as well as the upstairs deck, and it's the only room upstairs with a TV, so I think we'll be in there even more than we think once baby arrives.

Monday, September 10, 2012

My Experience with Secondary Infertility

This baby's first super faint bfp
I feel like I don't deserve to be writing a post about this since my secondary infertility came as no surprise, was not unexplained, had a treatment, didn't require IVF, and I'm now pregnant.  However, when we started what we expected to be another long road of TTC our second child, I was shocked and then saddened to find that I no longer fit in with the infertility community because I already had a child.  I needed support and I couldn't find it.  While there were some women who seemed to obviously not want me in their IF community, they were the minority.  The problem was more than I no longer fit in.  Luckily, I left the forums and found a home on twitter where you can always find a friend, but it was still tough to find people who could relate to me.

If you've ever dealt with primary infertility, you've once bitterly observed a mother at a fast food restaurant with her baby carrier precariously perched on the edge of the table, force feeding one child while letting another run wild laps around the tables and need to vent about it.  It's so unfair that you can't have a child when bad mothers surround you.  While I once shared this perspective when I was in that place, I now know how hard it is to be a mother.  I now know how easily things get out of hand, and how a simple errand gone wrong can unravel an entire afternoon.  I've nearly had my son topple out of a shopping cart due to my own negligance, and comforted a cranky baby in a restaurant instead of leaving.  I don't disagree with the infertile's vent because I've been on that side, too, but now I'm on the otherside and I can't judge other moms.  How could I when I know I make my own mistakes, too. 

A woman with primary infertility sees babies and baby bumps everywhere, and when I vent all she sees is my son's cute face.  I bet it appears that I'm unappreciative and greedy.  But, what did I see when I went out?  Siblings.  I still see siblings everywhere when we go out during the day, all closer in age than my son will be to this baby.  Whenever I saw two kids in the shopping cart, I immediately would try to guess the age differences.  It was always smaller than what my kids would be, even if I got pregnant right then.  Just as it's unfair and hurtful that some women are pregnant and others can't be.  It's unfair and hurtful that some women have two kids close in age and I can't.

A woman with primary infertility is hurting, and I know sometimes those women feel responsible for denying their husband a child or causing them emotional pain.  I imagined giving my child a sibling close in age my entire life, and I was watching my son grow older and older knowing every day increased the distance between him and his future sibling.  I wanted so badly to give him that gift, and I couldn't do it.  My secondary infertility not only hurt me and my husband, it was taking something away from my child.  It was so painful, and I couldn't find anyone who understood.  People either had primary infertility and no sympathy, or didn't know about infertility at all and would list all the benefits of having two children farther apart in age.  Most often I'd hear how great it would be that my son will be old enough to help.  The fact that he will be able to help me care for his baby brother only further illustrates that he will be growing up ahead of the baby, not alongside him.

Wishing smiley's to all those TTC for the 1st or 2nd or 8th time

Before my miscarriage, while struggling with secondary infertility the first time, I was taking DS for a walk in the stroller on a beautiful evening.  Dinner was in the oven, and DH would be home soon.  I tweeted about how incomplete I felt in that moment.  Like we were pretending to be a family with only half of us present.  I lost almost 20 twitter followers over that tweet.  I guess they thought I was unappreciative.  When a primary infertile talks about how much she wants a baby, does that mean she's unappreciative of her husband?  The desire to have a baby is no less strong the second time.  In many ways I think it's actually stronger.  I already knew what it was like to get a bfp and feel my baby grow inside me.  I knew how great it was to see my baby for the first time, and to stay up with him at night.  Knowing what it's like to be a mother, and being one, doesn't lessen the mothering instinct.  Knowing exactly how wonderful it is only makes you want it more.

Then I had my miscarriage.  I had no idea something was wrong until 12 weeks.  That's almost 3 months of relief my son would finally have a sibling, loving my new baby and growing belly, and even a few weeks of telling coworkers only to have it all taken away.  I found so much needed support online everywhere I turned, and I was so grateful.  But, looking back, I find it kind of unfair that it took that kind of loss for the IF community to accept me again.  I'd leveled up in the game of 'who has suffered the most.'  All of a sudden I wasn't just another greedy woman with secondary infertility, but a woman TTC after loss.  It was a whole different category, and a much more acceptable one.

As always, I'm wanting to document my journey, and share with others in the hopes that I can help someone else.  If you're going through secondary infertility, I promise there are many others out there going through it, too.  For all the primary IF'ers out there.  When you see a mom crying over a negative pregnancy test with a cute little kid in her signature or profile picture, please don't think her unappreciative.  She's not crying because she's forgotten about that little kid.  She's crying because she loves him so much, and because she let him down.  Everyone with infertility is being denied their right to procreate, and is missing their future baby whether they already have one or not.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

23 Weeks - How I'm Feeling

How Far Along - 23 weeks! It's really starting to fly by.  Part of it makes me sad, but I can't wait for my belly to get even bigger and the more I feel the baby move the more I want to meet him.

Any Pregnancy News? - I turned 30 this week! Earlier this week I posted on The Big 3-0, Marriage, Mommyhood, and Miscarriage.  It was good to take a moment to reflect.  I didn't receive a single wrapped gift, (DH did take me out to a wonderful dinner) and that was kind of nice as well. I think your 30s are about supporting your family more than receiving anything or expectations.  I've been doing great running, and now that the weather is cooler I've been able to walk with DS in the stroller more often. I've been keeping track of my mileage and hope to go 100 miles in September!

Maternity Clothes? - T-shirts are starting to be too short. I could wear larger ones, but I really hate how they look.  I really want this shirt from Running for Two fitness, but I can't find any used ones on ebay and I have no hope of affording it. boo! So I'm currently running in some Old Navy maternity shirts I used as undershirts when I worked during my first pregnancy.  They're not in the best condition, but they're still comfortable to run in.

Weight Gain? - I'm now up 21 pounds from pre-pregnancy. It's tough to pass both the 20lb mark, and the 150lb mark in the same week.  When I passed 150 during my first pregnancy I stopped keeping track of my weight. I'd like to continue this time, but it's still hard.  While I feel very attractive and happy with my body right now, I dread coming home with that incredibly fat, ugly, post birth body. UGH!  I know it resolves itself very quickly, but it's just so terrible looking! The good thing is I get to enjoy almost 4 more months of the weight looking good before that brief time when it looks bad.

Sleep? - Ever get stuck in that place between awake and asleep? Too asleep to get up, but still aware that you're in bed?  I swear I get in this state for hours each night. Once I put DS back to sleep and then just layed in bed with him for 3hrs before going back to my own bed for some real sleep.  Then last night I had to pee, but not enough to get up. So I just neither slept, nor peed for over an hour.  Kind of annoying, but I'm feeling good during my days.  Luckily the weird sleep isn't leaving me exhausted.

Movement? - It used to be that after I ran, the little baby would get so low that I couldn't feel him.  It'd appear to me that he wasn't moving after I ran, but once I started listening to him on the doppler I could tell he was moving a lot.  I just couldn't feel it because of his position. But now he's so big! I can feel how big he is, and now I feel him all the time. He even moves while I'm running which is so weird.

What I miss? I always miss my second child. Um...that's it. This week I'm running further than I ever have in my life.  I feel great. I think I look great. I love being pregnant!

Food Cravings? This week I ran out of Cliff Bars.  I didn't realize I couldn't live without them until I didn't have them. It was horrible! I'd rapidly go back and forth between starving and overly full all day.  I was never satisfied, and I kind of blame my increased weight gain this week on the 3 days I didn't have them. The last two days I've had one with breakfast each day and my tummy is so much happier.  I wasn't going to by more due to the expense, but now I think they're worth it!

What I'm looking forward too?  Meeting my baby! DS is getting so big. Today was his first day of preschool.  I don't want him to go back to the way he was, I love all the progress he's made and watching him grow, but I do want another baby.  I can't wait!
1st Day of Preschool

Baby Prep Accomplishments? Now that DS is in preschool I'm excited about how much I will accomplish.  Since I sleep on monday mornings due to my crazy weekend work schedule. I'll only get to work while he's there on wednesdays and fridays, but that's still 6hrs a week just on getting the house together.  As soon as I get the place CLEAN I'm going to start painting the guest room.  DS's room is now ready to receive a little brother, but we need to finish the guest room because it has the only TV upstairs and we'll also be having some family come stay after the birth to help out.  I just want that room finished for more living space.  After making so much progress while he was at school today, I'm excited about everything I'll be able to accomplish in the coming months.

That's all for this week!

A rare shot of my DH :)

Monday, September 3, 2012

The Big 3-0. Marriage, Mommyhood, and Miscarriage

I'm 30! I feel like I should take this oppurtunity to step back and look at my life, but it's hard when I'm right in the middle of it.  It's easier to look back or look forward.  My life isn't perfect, but I'm happy.  Of course there are things I wish I could change or take back, but I love my day to day life.  Being a stay-at-home-mom is awesome. It's great, and that's the reason my life is as good as it is.

While my marriage certainly needs some work, I think all married couples with a 2.5yr old would say that.  Our marriage just requires more time and consideration.  Every day I'm still so appreciative that I lucked into the perfect man for me, and I continue to be amazed at how much my DH can accomplish.  He works so hard to do right by his family and make good decisions that I often worry about how much stress and pressure he puts on himself.  I wish he had more time for just me, but I certainly don't see any openings in his schedule so it's hard to feel slighted.  There's so many statistics on the poor marital success rate for my generation, I can't wait to make it to 5yrs and show off that we're one of the lucky ones.

Me at 30!
At 30yrs old, I have one child here with me on earth about to start preschool, one in heaven whom I miss terribly and know almost nothing about, and one growing within my belly.  It almost feels like I have one with me, one in heaven, and one in-between.  I know how fragile life is, and I admit it's hard to believe this third child is actually going to join me.  I really love being a mom, and I love being pregnant just as much, but I do feel behind.  I feel like I started having kids later than most, and then this more-than-I-wanted age gap between these two living children will always be a reminder that this wasn't how it was supposed to be and there's someone missing.  Taking family pictures since the miscarriage has been OK, because it's still just the three of us as it has always been, but I can't imagine taking a family picture of the four of us when it should be five.  While imagining introducing my son to his brother makes me happy, the thought of our first family picture brings tears to my eyes.  I wish my second child was here.

For a long time I was so eager to be 'over it'.  So many people seem to get past miscarriage so much easier or at least quicker than me.  I'm glad I'm not under any delusion that this birth will fix me.  This is not that baby.  I didn't cry when DS was born.  I was so happy!  I couldn't stop smiling, but I suspect I will downright sob when I hold this baby and I see exactly what I lost that day.  Some might think it's wrong or unappreciative of this baby, but I don't think that at all.  I'm just not over it.  I wouldn't call myself a broken woman or anything like that, but I've been through a traumatic experience and I'm not over it.  I know I won't magically be over it after the birth, and at this point I don't ever see me getting there.  This is a pain I'll carry with me for the rest of my life, and I'm comfortable with that.  In a way, leaving the pain behind would be leaving that last piece of my baby behind, and I'm glad I won't forget.  I'll still cry when I tell my son's about their unknown sibling, or when I'm trying to come up with the words to comfort a woman going through her own tragedy.

While I'm clearly not over it, I do think I've moved on.  Many people consider those the same thing, but I put a lot of time and effort into recovering from the miscarriage, making sure my son and I stayed active in our playgroups and various activities, and getting in good physical shape to try again.  We tried once naturally, and then with a fertility drug.  We're now preparing our home to welcome a new child.  My life is not paused at that moment, it has continued, and I'm glad.  I'm not over it, but I've moved on.

Maybe I'm missing some huge piece of my life, but I think this is pretty much the sum of me at 30. Working on my marriage, raising my oldest child, expecting my next baby, and recovering from a devastating loss.  Looking over this post, I'm even more satisfied than I thought I was.  It seems my whole life revolves around my family, and how great is that!