Monday, May 21, 2012

7 weeks...waiting.

I'm either 7w6d or 7w4d depending on who you talk too, but either way, 8 weeks is right around the corner.  I alternate between thinking time is flying and time is slowing down. 8 days until my big ultrasound on the 29th. 8 days. Again, sometimes it seems like a long time, and others it seems too soon. Oddly enough, it's the realist in me whose afraid, and the dreamer who is eager. It shouldn't be that way, it should be the other way around.  The reality should be healthy pregnancy.  Realistically, we have every reason to believe this pregnancy will be successful. We have already had one healthy pregnancy and baby.  We took clomid to improve egg quality, and don't even know if that was the problem. HCG betas show a very healthy pregnancy. There's no reason to believe this pregnancy isn't healthy, but a healthy pregnancy feels like a dream. Reality is the cold truth that hit me in January

I feel like I should have asked for one more beta, if only to shorten the time between the last beta and the ultrasound. I got them done at 11, 13, and 19DPO. The doubling time stayed steady at 30hours, which is great, but I wish I'd done one more at 21 so we'd had a good 48hr measurement. Oh well, next time. That's another thing I keep doing. Planning for the next pregnancy, as if this one won't last. I'm a member of multiple due date clubs to keep myself positive. It's really wonderful to see the naive first time moms overwhelmed with joy and excitment. But, I don't make the same plans they make, and their plans actually take me by surprise.  I post about reccommendations for a fetal doppler, they post about strollers.  I'd been saying we already had baby stuff from ds, it honestly never occured to me that we'd need a double stroller.  I'd completely forgotten about the list we'd made in December of all the things we'd need for another baby.  Though I love to see those moms, it's hard for me to relate.  Instead, I commiserate with other moms whose number of pregnancies also does not match their number of children.  We share concern over fluctuating symptoms. 

It's hard to say whether the clubs make me happier and more confident, or not.  While having this debate with myself I decided to take on a sewing project for the baby.  My sewing skills are limited to quilting and cross stich.  As I refuse to have another baby blanket in this house (I think 23 is enough) I decided to cross stich a little newborn annoucement design.  The design has a parade of four animals at the bottom, a nice border, and then a place for the baby photo and newborn stats at the top.  It will likely take me forever to complete, and so far it has def helped me stay off the computer.

I don't want you to think I'm not positive. It's just hard to stay positive all the time because of the above reasons.  I still talk to this baby, and call him my happy baby.  I'm shopping home dopplers and will be ready to place an order the day we get home from the ultrasound.  And when I do lose hope and cry, it doesn't take long for me to realize I'm really crying for my last baby whom I lost.  Deep down I really do feel like this baby is going to make it.  It's just the waiting is the hardest part, and that's where I am right now.

1 comment:

  1. I am so excited for you I can't stand it!!

    I know what you mean about some days it's hard to stay positive. I've had two MC's myself and even though it's been two years since the last, I still find myself battling days where my every thought is filled with what could've been instead of what is real. Crafting definitely helps to keep my mind off of it, but there are still some days where it's too much.

    That's okay.

    It's okay to cry for the baby you lost, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.