Tuesday, May 29, 2012

8/9 weeks It's a baby!

There she is! Took a while to find the heartbeat and during that time I really shut down emotionally.  When doc finally found it, I think I had already seperated my emotions from myself so much that I still didn't really feel anything.  The baby was very curled up and moving around, so the doc couldn't really get a good measurement.  I think the baby should be 8 weeks, 4 days at the absolute latest, but he only measured 8w1d to 8w3d.  The doc doesn't feel like it's an accurate measurement though, because babe was moving around so much. We measured the heartrate, it was 191! lol. My own heart had been pounding all morning so I think happy baby was feeling my nerves. ha.

So then I started to feel a bit better about it, although the feeling of overwhelming relief I'd been hoping for never came. DH commented how relieved he was that it was a singleton, and that's when the doc said she did see something else.  A few seconds of everyone holding their breath as she found another sac, but it was empty.  It's very far back in my uterus, so I suppose someone could be hiding back there, but it's much more likely it's an empty sac and will be reabsorbed.

I'm very happy with the results, but I really though I would get this sense that everything was going to be ok. Instead I just feel like, so far, so good, and am still very nervous.  I thought the nervousness would go away if only there was a heartbeat!  I'm starting to realize after you've lost one, you're just nervous about that possibility the whole pregnancy.  Thanks for everyone's support! It feels like it's already been such a long road and I have so far left to go!

Sunday, May 27, 2012

8 weeks. Last post before the ultrasound.

This is me just a few minutes ago.  Two different strangers commented on me being pregnant yesterday. TWO!!  Is it that obvious?  I got out my pics from my last pregnancy (which ended in miscarriage) to see if I was all that much bigger at this stage.  It's a little bigger this time than last time at this stage, but at the time of the m/c last time (12 weeks) it was way bigger than it is now.  I think i'm stretched out from the recent pregnancy and that explains why it's bigger. But, there are other explainations...

DH rarely voices his concerns to me.  He saves them up and thinks them over before he's ready to talk about them, and he's mentioned several time his fear of twins.  I'm not sure fear is the right word because I know he'd eventually be excited, but he's certainly nervous about the possibility.  His concerns are based on the fact that I'm more sick than I was last time (though I'm not sure I'm any sicker than I was with ds), I'm showing quicker, and my beta doubling time stayed at 30hrs, even at 19DPO.  None of these convince me though, because they can all be explained away by a healthy singleton.  But I think I'm not obsessing about this mostly because I just don't care. I really don't care if it's twins or a singleton.  I need to know for the planning, but I don't care which it is.  I will take any amount of live babies.

I get nervous about the ultrasound, but mostly I'm feeling really good about it.  Yesterday only added to that feeling.  There's a hiking trail in the blue ridge mountains that goes up a mountain to a beautiful overlook.  I won't say it's magical or it's my favorite place in the world or anything, but I hiked it the day of my wedding and when I was a few days past due with ds.  I don't know why I decided to take ds up there yesterday, but it just popped into my head in the morning to do it.  I was really tired from a poor nights sleep and it seemed like a good activity to keep me awake and tire out ds.  I didn't expect him to make it to the top.  He's only two and it takes an experienced hiker about 45 minutes to make it to the top.  I just thought we'd play around on the trail and in the woods looking at and enjoying nature.  You wouldn't believe it, but that little kid climbed all the way up there.  It took us two hours to do it.  I still really can't believe it happened, and I'm not sure he'd do it again.  It's amazing. We happened to climb up to the place I went right before the last two happy significant events in my life, and it happened days before my important ultrasound.  I definitely take it as a great sign!

Just Chillin', having a cracker on a mountain top.

Monday, May 21, 2012

7 weeks...waiting.

I'm either 7w6d or 7w4d depending on who you talk too, but either way, 8 weeks is right around the corner.  I alternate between thinking time is flying and time is slowing down. 8 days until my big ultrasound on the 29th. 8 days. Again, sometimes it seems like a long time, and others it seems too soon. Oddly enough, it's the realist in me whose afraid, and the dreamer who is eager. It shouldn't be that way, it should be the other way around.  The reality should be healthy pregnancy.  Realistically, we have every reason to believe this pregnancy will be successful. We have already had one healthy pregnancy and baby.  We took clomid to improve egg quality, and don't even know if that was the problem. HCG betas show a very healthy pregnancy. There's no reason to believe this pregnancy isn't healthy, but a healthy pregnancy feels like a dream. Reality is the cold truth that hit me in January

I feel like I should have asked for one more beta, if only to shorten the time between the last beta and the ultrasound. I got them done at 11, 13, and 19DPO. The doubling time stayed steady at 30hours, which is great, but I wish I'd done one more at 21 so we'd had a good 48hr measurement. Oh well, next time. That's another thing I keep doing. Planning for the next pregnancy, as if this one won't last. I'm a member of multiple due date clubs to keep myself positive. It's really wonderful to see the naive first time moms overwhelmed with joy and excitment. But, I don't make the same plans they make, and their plans actually take me by surprise.  I post about reccommendations for a fetal doppler, they post about strollers.  I'd been saying we already had baby stuff from ds, it honestly never occured to me that we'd need a double stroller.  I'd completely forgotten about the list we'd made in December of all the things we'd need for another baby.  Though I love to see those moms, it's hard for me to relate.  Instead, I commiserate with other moms whose number of pregnancies also does not match their number of children.  We share concern over fluctuating symptoms. 

It's hard to say whether the clubs make me happier and more confident, or not.  While having this debate with myself I decided to take on a sewing project for the baby.  My sewing skills are limited to quilting and cross stich.  As I refuse to have another baby blanket in this house (I think 23 is enough) I decided to cross stich a little newborn annoucement design.  The design has a parade of four animals at the bottom, a nice border, and then a place for the baby photo and newborn stats at the top.  It will likely take me forever to complete, and so far it has def helped me stay off the computer.

I don't want you to think I'm not positive. It's just hard to stay positive all the time because of the above reasons.  I still talk to this baby, and call him my happy baby.  I'm shopping home dopplers and will be ready to place an order the day we get home from the ultrasound.  And when I do lose hope and cry, it doesn't take long for me to realize I'm really crying for my last baby whom I lost.  Deep down I really do feel like this baby is going to make it.  It's just the waiting is the hardest part, and that's where I am right now.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

6 Weeks - Dear Happy Baby

Dear Happy Baby,

I've never named a fetus before, and I'm not sure how or why I named you, my 3rd child, as a fetus and not my other children (I think technically you're still an embryo).  I guess partly because of all the positive visualizations I've been doing, and maybe partly mothers intuition.  Every time I see you in my mind, you are giggling and so happy.  It didn't take long for me to call you my happy baby.  When I worry about you and need to visualize you safe to calm myself I see you laying in a gentle stream surrounded by clear water, laughing and splashing around. Sometimes I look at pictures of what you might look like at this stage of development (women now are bombarded with pictures of the developing embryo at each stage of pregnancy), and I realize how hard you're working.  You're doing such a great job! You've already come so far.  You are constantly growing and changing. You never stop. You keep going even when I don't get enough sleep or don't eat enough. You're growing when I'm resting and when I'm up chasing your brother or working.  I can tell how strong you are by how much you're taking from me, and I'm so happy you are taking what you need.  I can tell you're going to be born in January, and be born very much alive.  But I'm writing this just in case you can't make it despite your best efforts. I want you to know now that I love you, and I'll love you forever.  I'll love you if I meet you in January, or if I meet you much sooner, or if I meet you a long time from now, at the end of my life.  I love you, and in just a few months you'll be able to hear me saying so through the walls of your safe home.  In January you'll hear me say "I love you" very clearly, and I promise you'll hear it for many years afterwards.  I love you, my happy baby.


Sunday, May 6, 2012

5 week update with belly pic

What an exhausting week! But I actually did less than I usually do because some mornings I just wasn't up to it.  We're going to the beach this week to visit my mom and I'm looking forward to spending more time with DS.  This week I wasn't able to take him to some of our usual activities, and I was often so tired I had to have the TV on to distract him so I could get housework done. He's watched much more TV this week than usual so I'm glad next week we can cut down. I'm also trying to leave the house clean so there won't be a ton to do when we get back.  DH has to stay behind and work, but mom will be there to help with DS and it will be too cold to go in the water so I'm hoping I can just rest and relax.
Things on the health insurance/WIC front are progressing since last week when my doctor tried to force me to get an ultrasound in order to get my proof of pregnancy form. I went to the pregnancy crisis center to get the form without the u/s. I thought the place counselled women to help with abortions and unwanted pregnancies, and was afraid to go and be considered with that group. HA! It's a religious based group that purposefully puts out that impression in order to prevent abortions by being able to counsel women considering that option. It wasn't a bad experience. I met with their counselor, got the form without the ultrasound, and actually can still get my free ultrasound with them whenever I want later in the pregnancy. We're thinking around 12 weeks if we make it that far. We might be able to tell the sex at that point. My application was complete with the form and I did qualify for state insurance, but DS did not on an easily remedied technicality. I'm eager to call on monday and get it resolved. This has been quite a difficult process, but I feel like we're getting closer to a good insurance resolution.

After last week's proof of pregnancy debacle I had kind of lost my confidence in this pregnancy. DH and I were busying calculating doubling times while anxiously looking forward to my last beta on tuesday. We were hoping for over 575.  That would have been doubling at 48hrs, but we were hoping to be in the 600s. It was 1761 at 19DPO! Holy Cow! The doubling time actually decreased to 30hrs from 33hrs last week. Yes, my mind immediately jumps to multiples or molar pregnancy.  After doing more research I feel fairly confident it's one healthy baby. YAY!  I researched molar pregnancy numbers and those numbers are incomparably higher than mine.  In theory, they'd be much higher than mine by 19DPO. Twins? Well, I just don't have anything to offer other than I really feel like it's just one.  I haven't really found anyone with doubling times similar to ours.  I found some examples of twins with higher or lower numbers, but no one with twins or singletons with similar doubling times. I'm not worried. I really feel like it's a healthy baby.  DH about passed out when he heard the number, and I think he's impatient for the u/s to know for sure. We discussed it and we both still want to wait until after 9 weeks. If we went in now and saw twins, we'd still worry about reaching that 9 week mark that we didn't make last time. We want to pass the mark, and then see what's there. What a relief to be debating between one or two healthy outcomes instead of a good or bad!

And I'll include a 5 week belly pic with DS lurking mischievously in the background. lol.