Sunday, March 25, 2012

13DPO BFN

Obviously, I've got to accept that I'm not pregnant. AF will probably arrive on monday/tuesday, and next weekend I'll be madly researching the best way to support a clomid cycle. I'm disappointed at the moment, but I'm going to try to enjoy the next two weeks as if they're my last two weeks non-pregnant. I'm going to eat healthy while I don't have food cravings and get back into running without fear of bleeding. It's tempting to jump right back into diet soda, but I feel I've made so much progress cutting back that I'm going to at least maintain 1 to none a day.

This weekend I'm researching homeschool activities to do with ds while we wait for preschool to start in the fall. He can count to 29 and knows his colors, and is getting better with letters and shapes. We do a lot of educational youtube videos, but I need to practice with him during the day. We used to be really good about using flashcards everyday, and I've fallen behind on that. I also would like him to color more with the goal of learning how to hold a pencil properly. I need to bring out the shape sorter, etc. I just want to establish a better homeschool routine before my focus shifts to pregnancy.

He turns 2 on monday. DH and I agreed that our kids would be at least two years apart. Here he is turning two and I'm not even pregnant. His sibling lives in heaven. His relationship with his future siblings here on earth will be different because he will be so much older. It's something I think about and regret everyday. I wanted my kids to be close in age. I wanted him and his sibling to be together. I wanted to take care of both of them. ds will be old enough when his sibling arrives to know whats going on, to want to help, etc.  I won't have two babies going through stages together or one after the other. I'll have a baby and a preschooler. It makes me so sad. I don't feel guilty because I did what I could, but I just feel sad that my son will grow up alone and with the added pressure of being the oldest. I know it will be ok, and I've many times been told the list of advantages of having two children 3yrs apart in age. I'm sure it's wonderful, but it's not what I wanted or thought best. 

Fighting infertility the first time was hard, but secondary infertility is the pits!

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