Sunday, February 26, 2012

Facing TTC doubts after loss

I had a moment of doubt about TTC this week. It was a long moment. Since my miscarriage in January we've been planning to TTC again in April, or sooner if possible. That's what we've been telling everyone, but it seemed like such a long time. I now realize I bled on and off from the miscarriage for 36 days!! Hard to believe you're about to TTC when you've not yet completed the loss. When I got my first period I knew I wanted to try again right away, and with my husband on board we went from 3 months away to maybe only a week til O.

Then one of my friends miscarried. She was also at 12 weeks just as I was, and I spent an entire day fb chatting with her because I so much appreciated those who had done it with me in the days following my loss.  Typing it out really helped me through it. I hope it helped her as well, but it was hard.

My crazy post-miscarriage period finally ended this week and I checked my cervix for TTC charting purposes for the first time since November. It started out uneventful, low/firm/closed, when absolute panic set in. We might be doing this all over again. I might create a child and then loose him again. I might see a lifeless ultrasound screen again. I might be doing this to my family again. Why are we doing this? Is it right?

I immediately brushed the feelings aside. I refuse to let my son grow up without a sibling, and we'd already decided to TTC this month. More time probably wouldn't change anything, so, what's an infertile to do? It wasn't that I wanted out, I just had lost my confidence and I didn't see another way.

As fate would have it, another friend gave birth this morning at 41weeks to a baby girl. "We're in love," said the caption to a beautiful pic of the baby's face while breastfeeding. I want that. She posted another pic of her in the hospital bed holding the baby, her husband at her side, her toddler on the bed at her feet. I really, really want that. I was a little sad at what I'd lost, but I was mostly newly motivated.

It's worth it. It's totally worth it. Would I have gone through this to get my son? Of course. What wouldn't I go through to get him? The reward is worth the risk. I feel confident about trying again. I even picked the soonest possible O date and calculated what my due date would be. You wouldn't believe it, but thanksgiving day came up. What are the chances? I know I probably won't ovulate that early, but it's just a lesson that everything I've gone through is worth everything I've got. There's no reason to stop now, or take a break. I want to keep going. I have no more doubts. It's worth it.

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