Sunday, January 22, 2012

Update: back to the present

This month I've been recounting my miscarriage on the blog rather than blogging in real time, and I feel like I'm missing out on the benefits of real-time blogging, especially now that I'm beginning to struggle. I was told by so many people, "it hits you later."  It does, but not all at once. For me, I found out the news, I grieved, I went through the physical process, and began to recover. Afterwards, I'd really feel like I was fine, but my behaviors were different, and they still are. I don't feel like myself, and I haven't been acting like myself. At first, it was a real struggle to sleep, but I've been sleeping much better. Those of you on twitter know I've really been struggling with headaches, and the last two days have really been a lot better. In fact, today was the first day I went all day without popping any ibuprofen. But, I'm not myself.

I used to be hungry all the time. I'm known for it. My BMI is in the normal range, I'm normal sized, neither fat nor thin, and after loosing 50lbs in my early twenties I'm very happy with my body.  Because of this, I never go without missing a meal. Everyone who knows me, knows this. When out, I wouldn't say I can out eat anyone, but I would say I eat a lot. Everyone who knows me, knows this about me. When we visit family, it's joked they have to count me twice because of how much I'd eat.  But now, I'm just not hungry. I'll actually FORGET to eat. I've heard of this happening to people, but it's never happened to me. I don't forget to eat. A couple times I've made it to 7pm without eating. I do remember before then, but by then I figure I might as well wait until dinner. To go all day without eating, to go a week without cooking, and to go even longer than that without buying any candy? It's just odd. It's not me. My husband tells me it's just the hormone crash, it's not depression. My friends say the opposite. I really don't know. Is 22 days too soon to expect to be back to normal? Do you ever go back to normal?

It's little things like not eating, watching lots of tv without watching any of my favorite shows, being less self conscious and even more tolerant, and all sorts of little missing or altered aspects of my personality that were giving me heads up that something wasn't right yet. It was hard for me to believe I was depressed because I felt fine. I really didn't feel depressed or sad all the time, I just would go 18hrs without eating. And then came 'the feeling'.

It started yesterday. I know I'm going to cry writing this part. I cry feeling it. I feel like I'm missing someone, and I've forgotten who they are.  I desperately, desperately miss this person. I miss everything about them, and I don't know anything about them. I miss my baby.  I've heard women say this before, and I had no idea what a terrible feeling it is. It's just terrible. It's similar to forgetting what you were about to say, but with an added aspect of bottomless grief. I feels so bad to feel it that I push the feelings away, but I miss my baby. It just pops up. It started yesterday. I can't feel this feeling without crying. The feeling pushes tears into my eyes and down my face. I cried several times today. I didn't sob, but the feeling hit me and I'd shed a few tears before moving on.

I'm hoping this is just yet another stop in the journey. Maybe this feeling will go away with time, maybe those little disappeared aspects of my personality will return. I have a son who I'm so thankful for, and who makes me continue. It's easy to get out of bed when you have no choice. I'm just going to take it day by day, and see what happens.

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