Sunday, January 29, 2012

My TTC Plan

After a miscarriage, many women react by wanting to take a break from trying to conceive.  TTC is hard, emotional work, and after such an emotionally draining experience they can't embark on another one. That's not me. I want to be pregnant so bad. At 12 weeks, I was solidly in maternity pants, and even some maternity shirts. I had round ligament pain and felt my uterus expanding (more in the beginning than the end of the pregnancy, of course.) I had what I wanted. I was pregnant.  It was wonderful, and I want it back. This pregnancy took 5 months to achieve, and it was the first and only time I ovulated in that time. It's nearly impossible what went wrong, but we think it was a non-PCOS related chromosomal issue. We think it was a bad egg on my part. Not that it was my fault, it's just what we think the problem was. I hadn't ovulated in five months. We have no reason to suspect a genetic issue. So, it was either him or me, and it's easy to believe that after 5 months we didn't get the best apple out of the tree. 

So, despite the fact that it's well known across the trying to conceive community that even women with PCOS have increased fertility after a miscarriage, and everyone knows someone who got pregnant again right after a loss and went on to have a healthy pregnancy, we're going to wait two cycles to try again. That's not to say I'm confident in this choice. On one hand I feel that I'm wasting that unique fertility window, but on the other hand it just feels like we should make sure my body can ovulate without damaging eggs or whatever happened last time. 5 months with no ovulation, then ovulation with bad egg. We'd like to watch a few eggs go by before we grab one in the hopes that it's better. I probably sound crazy, but that's our plan. Plus, not like I ever care what idiot doctors have to say, but our doctor wants us to wait two cycles as well.

So, where are we now in this plan? I've taken three pregnancy tests throughout this process and they've been fading.  On friday I finally got a negative test. When my HCG is zero (which could be even two weeks after the negative test, but hopefully not that long) my first cycle will begin.  If my cycle has already started, and I have my normal 32 day cycles, than I think we could be conceiving the first or second week in April. However, I'm still spotting at least once a day.  I've been meaning to use a more sensitive test to see if it could pick up anything, but haven't gotten around to it.

So, that's when we'll ttc again, two cycles.  What will our protocol be? I've got 2 or 3 months to dwell on it. I have a prescription for clomid from my doctor. It's tricky. I've now gotten pregnant twice without fertility drugs. But each pregnancy took months to achieve, and half of them ended in miscarriage. Tho I still believe many PCOS women don't give TTC naturally a fair shot, I'm not sure why I'm still doing wasting my time with natural cycles. It used to be a source of pride for me, but that's all gone now. During my two cycles off, I'll be using digital OPKs and charting CP and CM to check for a real ovulation. If I ovulate both times without any assistance it will be tempting to do the 3rd cycle naturally, but I may use the clomid anyway just to be sure. I don't know. I used to be so against clomid because of the risks and how much it's over prescribed, but now I've done so many things that cause female breast or reproductive cancer. (black cohosh, soy isoflavones, birth control pills, etc.) Would it really up the odds THAT much to go just one round of only 50mg clomid? My true belief is, yes. I believe each use of unnatural hormones ups the odds significantly, and I want to be here to see my have children of his own. On the other hand, I want my son to have a sibling somewhat close in age. Isn't that worth some risk? It's a tough decision, and I haven't decided yet, but I have at least until April to think about it.

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