Monday, January 16, 2012

My Miscarriage Part 4 unfinished

This is the 4th installment of the story of my miscarriage, and is the most boring part. In case you missed it, Part 1 is about me realizing something was wrong and deciding to go to the ER, Part 2 covers being told the horrible news, and Part 3 covers the endless tears that followed.

So, after everything I'd gone through that day, I had to tell my mom. She was the first and only one I told 'in person.' Or that was my plan. I wanted to say it not over text, tweet, email, or facebook message, except... I couldn't do it. She was on AIM at the time and I told her over AIM and then said it was ok to call if she wanted. She called immediately and we got through it. Her perspective was different than mine.  She clearly didn't think of it as a baby at all, but as a mistake or a fluke. I didn't want to disagree, because she'd been through a loss of her own and had to deal with it in her own way. So, I just got through the conversation. It helped that ds was past ready to have a bath and we could hear him fussing in the background. She did cry for the loss of her grandchild at the end of the call. If only in that moment, I was happy sweet baby knew her grandma missed her.

I put ds to bed, stayed up until 1am feeling numb and incomplete, and then went to bed myself. DS woke up at 6am and I nursed him back to sleep in our bed.  But, I couldn't wait to get out of there, out of bed. I wasn't tired at all. I was eager to do the dishes and call for my OB appt. I was eager to DO, to get up and away from mourning and grief and be full of activity.

I was surprised how quickly the office got me in. They made it for the first appointment slot of the day. Despite how early I awoke, we were late getting ds to the sitter and a few minutes late to the appointment. Being late in an OB's office is an unforgivable sin, even if your baby dies. The office people there showed NO sympathy. We went in, and I sort of dreaded more condolences from a doctor. I was so done being spoken too as if I were a tearful child. My OB shined. She's a small woman, spits when she talks, and known to go off on wild tangents during appointments. Most describe her lovingly as 'the crazy one,' (some not so lovingly) and she was wonderful at this appt. I love my crazy OB. As soon as she walked in the room she loudly declared, "What an odd thing to happen?! I was so sorry to see this. It's just so odd." HA! I was immediately put at ease and ready to get down to the business at hand rather than be put to tears by another person telling me how sorry they were. She had a very small ultrasound machine on wheels with maybe a 12in screen. During the u/s I was surprised to see dh get up to see the body, but I was really happy he did. It was his baby, too, and I'm glad he got a last look. I, however, did not want to see it again. Luckily, the screen was next to me on a swivel, and I pushed it away. My wonderful ob didn't complain as she craned her next to see and take measurements so that I wouldn't have to see it again.

She measured it as 8w2d, as opposed to the hospital measuring 8w5d. It could be that it'd been so long since the passing that it was shrinking and disintegrating, or it could be that my ob was so quick in her measurement she wasn't as accurate. In my mind I've calculated the day, the week, that it happened, but I haven't actually looked at a calender and tried to make sure or figure out what I was doing that day. I hope that I don't. It always surprises me when there are things I don't want to know because I'm a very curious (nosy) person. But, I don't want to know the exact moment my baby died.

Then, being an OB, the doc suggested a D&C. She explained that it was a surgery to scrape the lining of the uterus to prevent severe pain and bleeding heavy enough to send me to the emergency room. Being a member of the IF community, I've unfortunately watched too many women go through this. I knew my options, and I knew I wanted to do it naturally.  Looking back, I wasn't really as informed about my decisions as I thought, but I'm still very glad I didn't run to the operating room after such a tragedy.  How to miscarry is such a personal decision, and there is no wrong way to do it.  Personally, I could not say goodbye to my baby painlessly and publicly.  I couldn't skip over birth, or have a bunch of strangers there when it happened. I insisted on doing it at home. The doc suggested the misoprostal pills (cytotec) to make it happen, and this also felt right. I was eager to get it over with.

Also being a member of the online natural birth community, I have to mention somewhere that any labor augmented by drugs really isn't 'natural.'  So, it's not really accurate for me to say on twitter or anywhere else that I miscarried naturally when, in fact, I used drugs to miscarry. I try to be clear about that when it comes up, but I do probably misuse the term. It happens. Women who choose to miscarry without drugs and go through the 'waiting for it to happen' stage are doing it naturally. I have always been guilty of rushing through my grief, and this was no different. I wanted to do it at home, but I also wanted to do it ASAP.

Part 5 will be all TMI about the actual miscarriage. Skip that one if you can't or don't want to handle it, but I think it's important to include it for those in my same situation who want to know.

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