Tuesday, January 10, 2012

My Miscarriage Part 3 Crying

This is Part 3 of my miscarriage story. Here's part 1 and part 2 in case you missed it.

They wheeled me back to the ER. My face looked terrible. Tears were still streaming down, but I was crying silently.  They put me back in my tiny room, and then I could hear the nurses telling each other how sad I was and that they didn't want to go in there.  It felt like hours, maybe it was only one hour. I don't know how long it was. I know I had lost my baby and was all by myself and was just sobbing endlessly.  Through my tears I sent my first, short, tweet about the news. I texted a few close friends that had known I was going to the ER. I cried more, and then I cried more than that. My face hurt from crying, but my grief was so thick.  I thought I would suffocate in that tiny room alone with my grief.

Finally a brave nurse came in to take my vitals again. I asked when I could leave. They reminded me I needed a RHogam shot because I'm RH negative, and pretended surprise that the doctor hadn't been in yet. (I'd heard them talking outside for long enough to know that she just didn't want to come in and deal with that poor woman. I don't blame her. Who would want to be in that room?) The nurse left. I cried. The doctor eventually came in. Asked if I understood what happened. I didn't answer, the tears were too thick and my throat seemed closed. I honestly don't remember what she said next. Perhaps something about chromosomal abnormalities? Sometimes these things just happen? I don't care what she said.

Finally the nurse came with my paperwork and my shot. I'm normally afraid of needles and I cried more with fear. I told the nurse it was unfair that I had to go through both this AND the shot, but she didn't respond. I'd always heard that this shot was particularly painful, but it didn't hurt me at all. I was completely numb.

I finally was cleared to leave the ER. People stared at me as I walked through the waiting room. I wasn't embarrassed.  I wondered what it would be like to not be me, and be one of those people waiting. What would it be like to see a sobbing visibly pregnant girl walk out and wonder who she was visiting, why she was so upset. I bet no one guessed that my baby died. I don't remember the drive home, but I remember arriving home and wanting to give my son a hug, but he and DH weren't there.  I caught my face in the mirror and it occurred to me I should take a picture of myself. 'This is me the day my baby died.'  I didn't do that and I regret it now. I wish I had a picture of my grief to help me remember.

I'd been up for nearly 30hrs at that point. tears were still flowing and I doubted I'd be able to sleep while that upset.  Later, one of my friends asked me why they didn't give me a sedative or a Valium at the ER. That would have been a good idea.  I hope there's no next time for me to ask for that. When I got in bed I just cried and cried. I felt my baby bump and I hated it for lying to me for so long and making me think all was well. I heard DH arrive and was so relieved. I don't remember going downstairs or what I said. I don't remember giving ds a hug, but I know I did. I do remember DH told me if the baby was lost at 9 weeks than it was nothing I did. I was glad he wasn't mad. I went to bed and fell asleep. I was jerked awake 2 hours later. I'd been crying in my sleep and woke myself up. I think I nursed ds to nap at that time. I think I watched a movie. I'm surprised I don't remember. I can't believe I don't remember every second of that day. I know at some point dh called my boss to explain what happened and that I wouldn't be working that night.

At 5 I announced that I needed a nap. Dh had taken care of ds more that day than he had in over a year. It's hard to take care of a toddler almost nonstop all day long, but he didn't complain. He hesitated when I asked again, and I saw how hard it was for him to walk back into the living room, but he did. I slept for only an hour, and then got up and asked if we could all go out to target together.

Imagine my surprise that Target was exactly the same as it had been the previous day. My grief had been so strong I thought the whole world would have felt it, but, amazingly, it didn't seem phased at all.  My own personal 9/11 went completely unnoticed by Target. I don't think we got anything.  We just looked at toys and gadgets before going back home.  I needed to call my mom.

Continued in Part 4

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