Monday, January 9, 2012

My miscarriage Part 1

I'm finally ready to tell this story.  I want to be able to remember everything so that when I see this little life again, I'll be able to tell him exactly how much I mourned his loss.
I usually blog on saturdays. Last week I didn't. It's not that I 'knew' something was wrong. It's just that if it turned out to be the worst, I didn't want to ever have to read a post written right before I lost everything.

On friday one of the moms from my sons playgroup posted on facebook that she lost her pregnancy. We were due within a week of each other, and I felt terrible about it. I imagined whenever she'd look at me, she'd see how pregnant she would've been, and when I had my baby she'd always look at him and think "that's how old my baby would be."  I felt terrible for her and thought it best not to respond at all. I thought I should give her space to handle this how she wanted.

That night, I wiped and saw blood. I totally freaked out. Ran from the bathroom crying and then stopped at the livingroom threshold. I saw my husband laughing and playing with my son. I knew I was going to have to ruin this beautiful picture. I told my husband what happened. He said I was probably stressed out from the other girl miscarrying. I called the on call OB sobbing. Her eyerolling came through the line a little too easily. She noted that some spotting is normal, and it would probably turn brown or stop completely within the hour. It did.

I went into complete rest/guilt trip mode. I had moved a smallish tv to the basement that day, was it that? Did I not drink enough water? Had I not taken my metformin regularly enough? DH put our son to bed for me and I wondered what I had done wrong. I worried about the baby. The next morning a little more spotting, and again it went away. That night, New Years Eve, right before I was to leave to work 3rd shift at a local hotel, there was more. A lot more. I was ready to go to the ER right then, but I couldn't leave the hotel unattended. I tried to find someone to work for me. On NYE? Fat chance. I had to go. As always, I asked my husband what I should do. For the first time ever, he said he didn't know. I was shaken.

At work that night I googled and found story after story of successful pregnancy after bleeding. I began to feel foolish. Did I really need to ring up a huge ER bill just for peace of mind? The bleeding had stopped, and I wasn't sure what to do. When my son woke up in the middle of the night, my husband texted to see how things were going. I explained to him my indecision, and we decided to call the on-call doc in the morning and let her make the decision of whether to go to the ER or wait for an ultrasound in the office on monday.

Called her at 640. She was totally indecisive. "well....Nothing we do now is going to make a difference. If there's no heartbeat then we'll find out today or tomorrow. It's up to you. Hard to say with your symptoms, it might be fine."  UGH!!! I didn't know what to do. My coworker came in to relieve me at 7am, and I told her what was going on. She'd had 5 miscarriages in her life and said to go straight to the ER. Finally someone had made a decision! I didn't care that it wasn't my husband, myself, or the doctor. I just needed someone to tell me what to do.

I headed to the ER and called my husband on the way to let him know what I had decided. (but not how I had decided it.) I went inside and the two check-in nurses just looked at me. I was silent for too long, but it's hard to say it outloud. "I'm almost twelve weeks pregnant and I'm having some bleeding." They asked me the usual questions, took vitals, then sent me back out to the waiting room. Thinking back, I miss those moments of blissful ignorance. Despite everything that was going on, I still thought it would be fine. I never thought I'd receive devastating news in less than an hour.

I saw the ER doc, and had my first ultrasound. The doc couldn't find the heartbeat, and assured me she just really wasn't that good with the machine. I did cry, but mostly because I'd been so nervous as to what she'd say.  Having no answer was a shock to the system. I cried, but I believed her. Sounded reasonable that a regular ER doc wouldn't look for heartbeats that much, and I was only 12 weeks. She ordered an ultrasound tech to come down and take me to radiology. I hadn't slept in over 24hrs, so I napped while I waited.

Continue to Part 2

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