Monday, November 28, 2011

6 weeks 4 days update

I'll probably just do weekly updates until the first trimester is over and the fatigue melts away. The last two days have definitely seen an increase in the classic pregnancy symptom trifecta, headache, nausea, and fatigue. So far, it's not weighing me down at all. Been through it before, so I knew it was all coming. I know it's just for a short time, and it's comforting to know these hormones are making the baby grow. I was actually kind of worried it took so long to get here, but I looked back in my old journal and saw the worst nausea was around 7/8 weeks with ds so this is about right.

Major concerns this week is definitley the gigantic belly. I mean, what is the deal with the gigantic belly? People keep trying to reassure me by saying you always show sooner with repeat pregnancies, and go on to say they were showing as early as 7 or 8 weeks or whatever. I WAS SHOWING AT 5+ WEEKS! My pubic bone hurt terribly all during the 4th week, and then around 5w3days it magically felt totally better. I went to button my shirt and BAM! Baby belly. It's not changed at all since then. It's hard not to constantly make plans for twins in my mind. I've also googled dangerous conditions that present this way like a molar pregnancy. I have a strong sense that the pregnancy is healthy and I trust my body, but I'm calling the doc tomorrow anyway to discuss the monster belly. Hopefully they'll either tell me monster bellies are normal or bring me in early for a u/s. Kind of hoping for option B, but if not I'll just wait for my appt on the 13th. I work part-time, 2 nights a week and it will be next to impossible to hide this huge pillow pet from them, but I want some confirmation before I talk.

Brace yourself. Here's the belly!!!!
6 Weeks, 4 days.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hello Belly!

Belly pic at 5 weeks 3 days. I can't believe it, but now that I have it, I love it. My mom chooses now to tell me with her second pregnancy she was as big as a house. But, it was reassuring to hear because I was starting to worry. I actually dreamed I was having quadruplets. Lol. Hoping for a singleton, but it just seems so early to be this big. Exciting times!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

So Happy!

Changed the name of the blog to better fit my new state of being.  I still hate infertility, but I'm in such a positive place right now.  I want this blog to be all about love!

Over this week it really took a while for it all to sink in.  I know my husband wasn't pleased I spent every free moment on the internet or on my phone. But, the online community is where I can really express myself and investigate different feelings. I will be better this coming week, but last week I really needed to indulge in early pregnancy glory.

I'm working third shift at the moment and I wish I'd brought my journal from my last pregnancy. I haven't had very many symptoms and I'm so curious when different symptoms hit me last time. I'd feel better knowing for sure I didn't have nausea until 7 or 8 weeks. (I'm pretty sure it was that late tho, it was only for a few days anyway.) I'm currently 4 weeks, 2 days and getting mild pulling or twinges along with fatigue, but not extreme fatigue like I had last time.

Already looking up baby names. Last time I put off looking at baby names until after we knew the sex. I was then so thrown by the fact he was a boy I couldn't find any names I liked. Dh eventually texted me a name he liked and although I didn't love it, I was relieved to have a name picked before the birth. Of course, I love the name now because it's my son!

These days I'm taking long walks with ds even tho it's getting colder. Doing a lot of happy daydreaming. Imagining telling people the news. As with my last pregnancy I'm loosing weight. Last pregnancy it caused me so much worry. I lost weight slow and steady until the 2nd trimester and then gained 50lbs!  Now I'm fine with it, and even enjoying my slim figure. It's going to give me the perfect little baby bump when I start to show. I'm not skinny by any means. (BMI 24) I guess I'm slightly above average weight, but not overweight either. Since I used to be overweight, and then went through a second weight loss loosing all my baby weight, I'm really happy with my body. Can't wait to have a bump to show off! But not really expecting one for a while.....Holy crap! Just went into last pregnancy's belly pics folder and realized I started showing at 11weeks! I didn't realize it was that soon. YAY!!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Pregnancy Decisions!

Last night I went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 7:30 feeling fantastic. (up a few times in between with ds) At first it made me really worried that I wasn't experiencing more pregnancy symptoms, but by 2:30 I started feeling totally exhausted again. Normally 10 hrs of sleep would last me longer than that, so, I felt more confident. Also lost confidence cause I poas on a whim this morning and it was negative. But, on monday it barely registered on a cheapie, and that's what i used this morning after holding it barely an hour. Tonight if I get a larger block I'm going to use a FRER.

So, finally being pregnant there's a lot of decisions I need to make that I've pretty much already made.
  1. Continue metformin or stop. I'm going to continue through the first trimester. Some women stop with their bfp.  Others use it throughout their pregnancy. I believe continued use of metformin prevents miscarriage, but I don't have insulin resistance or any other reason to continue once the chance of miscarriage is reduced. My OB advises women to quit taking it at bfp, but I've done my own research and I believe I'm doing the right thing.
  2. Betas: This I actually debated. My mother lost her second pregnancy, and women with pcos have a very high rate of miscarriage. Possibly as high as 35%, but I have confidence in my uterus. I take baby aspirin and red raspberry leaf regularly. Also, I'm sticking with my metformin. Unfortunately, 2 betas cost us $350. We're going to put that towards paying for the pregnancy instead of paying for betas. We'll just have to wait it out.
  3. To tell or not to tell. My husband feels very strongly that we shouldn't tell until we see the heartbeat. That's very reasonable. It's not waiting out the interminable first trimester, nor telling before the pee dries, but its so hard for me to keep it in! We've decided to each tell our best friends. (I'm telling two people, idk how many he's telling. lol.) His mom is visiting on the 18th, I'm going to try to convince him to tell her. I know it's early, but if I lost the baby i'd tell her anyway so why make me endure a whole weekend with a secret? We're going to a big family event for thanksgiving. I'm going to tell my mom at that time, but not the entire family. I really want too, but it's just too soon. We won't have had any confirmation that the preg is viable. :(
  4. Flu shot: HA! Not a chance. No way. No how. Not gonna happen. lol. Not against it for those who need it. But each person should balance their own risks. The flu shot has significant risk, but so does getting the flu. As I've never gotten the flu, for me, the guaranteed damage done by the flu shot (tho small) isn't worth preventing the very small risk of getting the flu. For others at great risk of getting the flu I can see how it makes sense.
  5. Breastfeeding: really thought DS would be weaned by now. (19 months) But he has chosen to continue. He only breastfeeds when sleeping is involved. (nap, night time) So, I'm thinking about getting rid of the nap time feeding and getting him to sleep the only other way I know how, hefting him around until he falls asleep in my arms. I do hope to have him weaned before the birth, but I won't deny him either. We'll see what happens.
That's enough for now. Practically my longest post ever. I work 3rd shift twice a week and I'm really looking forward to spending the whole of saturday night on the internet.  I just feel like I need time to process.  I need to browse July 2012 birth clubs and baby name sites. I want to mindlessly view 'your baby is the size of a poppy seed' tickers and just bask in baby bump anticipation for hours on end.

Monday, November 7, 2011


I can't believe it! I know everyone says that, but this is such a miracle. I thought I'd already O'd on cd17, and harassed DH accordingly at that time. But, on cd27 I was so emotional (and horny) I told DH, and he said he was tired, had to get up early, etc. Early the morning of cd28 he woke me up anyway. Then later in the day I found out I was ovulating! What are the chances of that happening! I was so depressed that I ttc these last four cycles not ovulating and not even knowing it. It felt like wasted time. I can't believe the first time I ovulated I got a bfp. It actually makes me trust my body a lot more. Instead of thinking I was o'ing and cycling normally, but it wasn't working. I now believe that even though I don't often O, when I do O i'll get pregnant.

I believe my EDD will be July 19th. I haven't decided whether to get betas done yet. Maybe, because I really want to tell my large family over thanksgiving. But I will just barely be six weeks by then. I think I'm going to have to decide to keep it a secret or chance it. I'll probably chance it cause I'd tell them if it didn't work out anyway.

Oh I'm so excited!  I hope it sticks!

ttc#2 timeline

I need to sort out the timeline of events that led me to this point. I hope it will help me decide where to go from here, although I think I mostly have a plan in place.

My son was born March 26th, 2010
After working so hard to achieve our first pregnancy, we had already decided never to prevent another. But we were not ttc or paying attention.
My period returned March 6th, 2011.  I had 32 day or less cycles, and believed I was ovulating.
In May I went back on metformin, 1500mgs.
In June we officially began ttc #2
In July I tried 200mg Soy Isoflavones, CD3-7
In August I tried the Soy again at the same dosage since I thought I was ovulating.
In September, I left the Soy dosage the same, but did days 5-9 thinking egg quality must be the problem. I thought I o'd on cd17 because I experienced the same mild O symptoms as usual. Then, I experienced extreme O symptoms on cd28. I discuss that experience here. That turned out to be ovulation. Probably my first real ovulation in all that time.

So here I am 11DPO with no symptoms although we did dtd all through the window. I'm kicking myself for not realizing I was surging, but not actually ovulating. This is common with PCOS, and means not only that i've been pointlessly wasting time with no hope of conceiving, but also each cycle without ovulation probably added to the tiny cysts on my ovaries.  This will make ttc even more difficult. I know hindsight's 20/20, but I just would have done differently if I'd known.

Got to stop dwelling on the past, and focus on the present. I don't think my dosage of metformin is high enough. All the research I've read says the minimum effective dose is 2000mg, and this is the dose I was on when I conceived my son. My new doc didn't authorize that high a dose this time, and I'm kind of peeved about it now that I realize the consequences of that decision. If/when AF comes I'm calling the doc to up my prescription. I'll give that two months to work, and then try clomid.  My son is a soy baby, and this time I unknowingly wasted all these Soy cycles on too low a dosage. Though I didn't give Soy a fair shot, I did screw with my hormones for 3 months in a row. I'm planning to take two cycles off, and then screw with them again. I do believe phytoestrogens cause cancer, and if I'm going to risk further cycles I want to do it with what has the highest chance of success. That would be clomid instead of the soy. I'm so sad about the consequences of not knowing I wasn't ovulating, but, again, I have to move forward.

So, hoping to become preg in february, which would make my kids nearly 3 years apart instead of the two that I'd hoped. Such is the fate of the infertile, but the prize is worth waiting for.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

My boy's growing up!

An hour into 10DPO. Of course I tested this afternoon, 9DPO and it was bfn. I'm not upset and still have lots of hope. It's either too early or I'm not pregnant, same situation I was in before I tested! No real symptoms, but that makes sense since I don't have enough HCG to turn a test positive.  Most likely I'll test every day till AF shows.

Working third shift tonight, and the time change makes it 9 hours. Super nervous because tomorrow is the first time I'm letting my son be watched by a non-parent. We're paying a trusted friend to watch him regularly from 9-1pm on sundays so I can sleep. Otherwise I have to watch him all day, and then work all night again sunday night. I've done it since january and I'm ready for a break. I'm worried the exhausting weekends are effecting my fertility. I'm terrified to leave him. I think IF really changes the way you parent. At 19 months old he's never been watched for more than 3 hours by anyone besides myself or my husband. I'm with him all day, and I get up with him every night except the two nights a week I'm working. Not looking for a medal. In fact, I don't think it's that difficult. I've never understood mom's who 'just needed a break.'  Don't get me wrong, the first newborn weeks were hellish, but after doing that on my own I never minded getting up two or three times a night. Makes me sad that my boy is ready to be without me.  We've tested leaving him with friends for an hour or 2 a few times and he barely notices we left! I never pictured having an only child, or watching my child grow up alone. I wince everytime someone says he's an 'only child'. I hope to make him a big brother soon enough!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Time reveals all

As I still have seen neither hide nor hair of AF, and have continued to get BFNs I have to let go of my favorite theory. I was hoping that I ovulated on CD17, felt extreme implantation symptoms on CD28, and was pregnant. It's CD33. I have to let that idea go.

But, hope springs eternal. On CD28 my instinct was telling me I was ovulating. I was confused because I thought i'd already ovulated on CD17, but we BD with preseed CD28/29. It's only later that I changed my mind and came up with the above theory. I'm rolling with this. I'm declaring myself 5DPO and hoping for the best.  I even bought myself a different brand of pregnancy test under a fellow infertiles preposterous suggestion that it is brand of pregnancy test that determines bfp, not ovulation, fertility, or anything else. lol. Yet...I bought the brand she suggested. (dollar tree) It can't hurt.