Sunday, December 25, 2011

10weeks, 'the space', and ds food allergy update

I know it's been two weeks, but I'm not giving up on this. I just normally write posts while at work and I only work on the weekends but took last weekend off. It's been two weeks since I've been at work, so it's been two weeks since I've posted.

I'm in....that space. If you've been pregnant before, you know that space. Morning sickness is over and you feel great, like normal. But, it's way to soon to feel movement. So, how do you know you're even pregnant? You don't. That's the kicker. It's the space between a multitude of 1st trimester pregnancy symptoms and feeling movement in your huge baby bump.  Lucky for me I haven't worn my work shirt in two weeks and omg it is too small. The 'bump' is definitely getting bigger. It's the only pregnancy sign I have right now, so I'm happy to see it growing. I'm also slowly moving into maternity shirts without them billowing around my empty stomach. They're so much better at accenting the bump as opposed to regular shirts that make me look fat.

It's been a busy two weeks. We got the results back from ds's blood test for allergies. The object was to figure out what he was allergic too besides milk and eggs.  Then we could get him off the large quantity of daily zyrtec he's on and simply avoid those allergens. I mean, how many can there be? How hard is it to avoid a few things? WELL, ds tested positive to milk, eggs, almond, pine nuts, sesame seeds, corn, peanuts, weeds, tree pollens, molds, dust, dogs, and cats. I really tried not to cry the whole evening after I found out. I told myself how happy he was and that this isn't going to change anything. He's not the only kid in the world with multiple allergies, the allergist has probably dealt with this a thousand times, etc. And then I finally broke down and let it hit me. Dh has been really great. His nonchalance about it all has actually been really helpful. While I was hoping to get ds off zyrtec, it just might not be possible right now, and that's ok.  Despite all these allergies, the zyrtec is working. We always hoped he would grow out of them, and he still might. It's going to be ok. At least that's what I tell myself!!

Next weekend I'll write again, and then Jan 3rd is my next ob appt! I'll get to hear that wonderful heartbeat and we can move on into the 2nd trimester. I'm hoping to feel some movement by then. I felt ds early, and they say you feel it earlier with each pregnancy. Merry Christmas!!! Here's my belly pic.

Monday, December 12, 2011

ultrasound update and food allergy woes.

I swore I'd post this week to announce the results of the ultrasound, and of course I don't. I have excuses, tho. (don't we all?)

Was so excited Monday to see my blueberry I could hardly sleep the night before. DS had experienced an allergic reaction on Sunday (more on this later) so we were kind of nervous about him going to another sitter on Tuesday, but I really wanted DH to come.

I get on the table for the vaginal ultrasound and the crazy technician starts looking at my ovaries and taking measurements? EXCUSE ME? I become this very annoying broken record. "Is the baby ok? I don't see it. Is it in there? Is there a heartbeat? Is it a baby?" With quite the loud sigh she briefly shows me the heartbeat. I tear up and then it's back to the damn ovaries. LOL. Finally she gets around to measuring the baby and decides I conceived on oct. 25th making me due 7/17/12. I realize afterwards that we didn't have sex between the 15th and the 27th, so we must have conceived on the 27th and they're going to short me two days at the end of the pregnancy, but I'll argue about that later if need be. I don't anticipate going two weeks overdue since ds was only a week over.

Seeing the baby was great, but it just looked so different from what I remember seeing ds. He was moving around and you could see little arm buds. This little tadpole just sat there. I think it wasn't as good of a machine, but it was our baby all the same. We heard the heartbeat. DH got that huge smile he gets when he's really happy, and life was grand.



We then go to a waiting room to see the actual doc and while waiting I get a picture text from the sitter that ds is having another severe allergic reaction.

That is the picture of a very itchy, unhappy 20 month old. Totally killed our post ultrasound high. The situation was ds stopped his allergy meds on Friday in preparation for skin testing on Wednesday. (how did those two appointments get to be only a day apart?) 30 minutes after he arrived at the sitter on Sunday, he got hives and facial swelling, and same thing on Tuesday while we're at the appointment. Two different sitters, and he hadn't had anything to eat either time. We suspect he's allergic to dogs, they're both dog homes, and his allergy meds were just preventing him from having reactions until we stopped them. Benedryl resolved the situation in both cases.

On Wednesday, the allergist confirmed that the benedryl doses disqualified him from the necessary skin testing, but that we could do blood testing. The blood draw was AWFUL. They had to use a super tiny needle. He had to be held down, and they had to constantly move the needle around inside his vein to keep the blood flowing. It was very painful and lasted nearly four minutes. He was so tired at this point, anyway, so it was truly horrible. He didn't nap well once we got home, and woke up several times that night just needing me to be there. That was a stressful day.

On Thursday and Friday I couldn't believe the how much happened in just two days. I really needed time to process. I announced the pregnancy and the allergy issue on facebook, birth clubs, and allergy forums. Received comments, concerns, and congratulations. I was so happy our new baby was healthy, and wishing our boy was healthy too. Worrying if this next baby's allergies will be even more severe, etc. I know the next one may not have any allergies at all, but part of being a mother is to worry about your kids.

Next OB appt is Jan 3rd, just to take vitals and listen to the heartbeat with a doppler. DS's allergy results won't be in for a while, maybe as long as two weeks, but since he's back on his meds we haven't had any more reactions and I don't expect he will.

8 week 6 day belly pic. Finally in some more form fitting maternity pants since I've announced at work. Those oversized pants I'd been in looked terrible!

Monday, December 5, 2011

7w4d ALMOST U/S time!!

Ultrasound on Tuesday!! YES!!  The free childcare I had lined up through a friend may fall through because her child is sick.  I could pay for it through another friend, but I can't justify that when we could bring the little guy with DH and I. Despite the distraction of having a 20month old running around during an intravaginal ultrasound, we could get a great picture of ds pointing to the u/s screen. Wouldn't that be adorable?! That will totally be my facebook announcement if he comes with us.

Symptoms: Definitely have morning sickness this week. Never what I'd call severe, although I would go so far as to call it severely annoying. It's the same as most preggo's, I'm sure. Triggered by not eating, eating too much, or eating the wrong thing. Belly is still huge. I'll include a belly pic below. Still napping during the day, but since I work third shift on the weekends I'm totally exhausted from Sunday to Tuesday. All the more reason I'll be emotional on Tuesday during the ultrasound.

Still obsessing over the twin possibility, but I've done a TREMENDOUS amount of googling and I actually feel better. Although the vast majority of women showing like me would be carrying twins, I found a lot of stories from women of my size and stature that just show freakishly early.  Between reading those stories, and stories from twin moms, I can relate more to the early show-ers than I can to the twin stories.  I did score 55% likelihood of twins from the 'is it twins?' quiz I found online, but it was mostly based on family history and old wives tales. I think most women would get that score.

Here's the belly pic! On Tuesday I'll probably upload a quick ultrasound pic from my phone. Exciting!

Monday, November 28, 2011

6 weeks 4 days update

I'll probably just do weekly updates until the first trimester is over and the fatigue melts away. The last two days have definitely seen an increase in the classic pregnancy symptom trifecta, headache, nausea, and fatigue. So far, it's not weighing me down at all. Been through it before, so I knew it was all coming. I know it's just for a short time, and it's comforting to know these hormones are making the baby grow. I was actually kind of worried it took so long to get here, but I looked back in my old journal and saw the worst nausea was around 7/8 weeks with ds so this is about right.

Major concerns this week is definitley the gigantic belly. I mean, what is the deal with the gigantic belly? People keep trying to reassure me by saying you always show sooner with repeat pregnancies, and go on to say they were showing as early as 7 or 8 weeks or whatever. I WAS SHOWING AT 5+ WEEKS! My pubic bone hurt terribly all during the 4th week, and then around 5w3days it magically felt totally better. I went to button my shirt and BAM! Baby belly. It's not changed at all since then. It's hard not to constantly make plans for twins in my mind. I've also googled dangerous conditions that present this way like a molar pregnancy. I have a strong sense that the pregnancy is healthy and I trust my body, but I'm calling the doc tomorrow anyway to discuss the monster belly. Hopefully they'll either tell me monster bellies are normal or bring me in early for a u/s. Kind of hoping for option B, but if not I'll just wait for my appt on the 13th. I work part-time, 2 nights a week and it will be next to impossible to hide this huge pillow pet from them, but I want some confirmation before I talk.

Brace yourself. Here's the belly!!!!
6 Weeks, 4 days.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Hello Belly!

Belly pic at 5 weeks 3 days. I can't believe it, but now that I have it, I love it. My mom chooses now to tell me with her second pregnancy she was as big as a house. But, it was reassuring to hear because I was starting to worry. I actually dreamed I was having quadruplets. Lol. Hoping for a singleton, but it just seems so early to be this big. Exciting times!


Sunday, November 13, 2011

So Happy!

Changed the name of the blog to better fit my new state of being.  I still hate infertility, but I'm in such a positive place right now.  I want this blog to be all about love!

Over this week it really took a while for it all to sink in.  I know my husband wasn't pleased I spent every free moment on the internet or on my phone. But, the online community is where I can really express myself and investigate different feelings. I will be better this coming week, but last week I really needed to indulge in early pregnancy glory.

I'm working third shift at the moment and I wish I'd brought my journal from my last pregnancy. I haven't had very many symptoms and I'm so curious when different symptoms hit me last time. I'd feel better knowing for sure I didn't have nausea until 7 or 8 weeks. (I'm pretty sure it was that late tho, it was only for a few days anyway.) I'm currently 4 weeks, 2 days and getting mild pulling or twinges along with fatigue, but not extreme fatigue like I had last time.

Already looking up baby names. Last time I put off looking at baby names until after we knew the sex. I was then so thrown by the fact he was a boy I couldn't find any names I liked. Dh eventually texted me a name he liked and although I didn't love it, I was relieved to have a name picked before the birth. Of course, I love the name now because it's my son!

These days I'm taking long walks with ds even tho it's getting colder. Doing a lot of happy daydreaming. Imagining telling people the news. As with my last pregnancy I'm loosing weight. Last pregnancy it caused me so much worry. I lost weight slow and steady until the 2nd trimester and then gained 50lbs!  Now I'm fine with it, and even enjoying my slim figure. It's going to give me the perfect little baby bump when I start to show. I'm not skinny by any means. (BMI 24) I guess I'm slightly above average weight, but not overweight either. Since I used to be overweight, and then went through a second weight loss loosing all my baby weight, I'm really happy with my body. Can't wait to have a bump to show off! But not really expecting one for a while.....Holy crap! Just went into last pregnancy's belly pics folder and realized I started showing at 11weeks! I didn't realize it was that soon. YAY!!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Pregnancy Decisions!

Last night I went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 7:30 feeling fantastic. (up a few times in between with ds) At first it made me really worried that I wasn't experiencing more pregnancy symptoms, but by 2:30 I started feeling totally exhausted again. Normally 10 hrs of sleep would last me longer than that, so, I felt more confident. Also lost confidence cause I poas on a whim this morning and it was negative. But, on monday it barely registered on a cheapie, and that's what i used this morning after holding it barely an hour. Tonight if I get a larger block I'm going to use a FRER.

So, finally being pregnant there's a lot of decisions I need to make that I've pretty much already made.
  1. Continue metformin or stop. I'm going to continue through the first trimester. Some women stop with their bfp.  Others use it throughout their pregnancy. I believe continued use of metformin prevents miscarriage, but I don't have insulin resistance or any other reason to continue once the chance of miscarriage is reduced. My OB advises women to quit taking it at bfp, but I've done my own research and I believe I'm doing the right thing.
  2. Betas: This I actually debated. My mother lost her second pregnancy, and women with pcos have a very high rate of miscarriage. Possibly as high as 35%, but I have confidence in my uterus. I take baby aspirin and red raspberry leaf regularly. Also, I'm sticking with my metformin. Unfortunately, 2 betas cost us $350. We're going to put that towards paying for the pregnancy instead of paying for betas. We'll just have to wait it out.
  3. To tell or not to tell. My husband feels very strongly that we shouldn't tell until we see the heartbeat. That's very reasonable. It's not waiting out the interminable first trimester, nor telling before the pee dries, but its so hard for me to keep it in! We've decided to each tell our best friends. (I'm telling two people, idk how many he's telling. lol.) His mom is visiting on the 18th, I'm going to try to convince him to tell her. I know it's early, but if I lost the baby i'd tell her anyway so why make me endure a whole weekend with a secret? We're going to a big family event for thanksgiving. I'm going to tell my mom at that time, but not the entire family. I really want too, but it's just too soon. We won't have had any confirmation that the preg is viable. :(
  4. Flu shot: HA! Not a chance. No way. No how. Not gonna happen. lol. Not against it for those who need it. But each person should balance their own risks. The flu shot has significant risk, but so does getting the flu. As I've never gotten the flu, for me, the guaranteed damage done by the flu shot (tho small) isn't worth preventing the very small risk of getting the flu. For others at great risk of getting the flu I can see how it makes sense.
  5. Breastfeeding: really thought DS would be weaned by now. (19 months) But he has chosen to continue. He only breastfeeds when sleeping is involved. (nap, night time) So, I'm thinking about getting rid of the nap time feeding and getting him to sleep the only other way I know how, hefting him around until he falls asleep in my arms. I do hope to have him weaned before the birth, but I won't deny him either. We'll see what happens.
That's enough for now. Practically my longest post ever. I work 3rd shift twice a week and I'm really looking forward to spending the whole of saturday night on the internet.  I just feel like I need time to process.  I need to browse July 2012 birth clubs and baby name sites. I want to mindlessly view 'your baby is the size of a poppy seed' tickers and just bask in baby bump anticipation for hours on end.

Monday, November 7, 2011

BFP!



I can't believe it! I know everyone says that, but this is such a miracle. I thought I'd already O'd on cd17, and harassed DH accordingly at that time. But, on cd27 I was so emotional (and horny) I told DH, and he said he was tired, had to get up early, etc. Early the morning of cd28 he woke me up anyway. Then later in the day I found out I was ovulating! What are the chances of that happening! I was so depressed that I ttc these last four cycles not ovulating and not even knowing it. It felt like wasted time. I can't believe the first time I ovulated I got a bfp. It actually makes me trust my body a lot more. Instead of thinking I was o'ing and cycling normally, but it wasn't working. I now believe that even though I don't often O, when I do O i'll get pregnant.

I believe my EDD will be July 19th. I haven't decided whether to get betas done yet. Maybe, because I really want to tell my large family over thanksgiving. But I will just barely be six weeks by then. I think I'm going to have to decide to keep it a secret or chance it. I'll probably chance it cause I'd tell them if it didn't work out anyway.

Oh I'm so excited!  I hope it sticks!

ttc#2 timeline

I need to sort out the timeline of events that led me to this point. I hope it will help me decide where to go from here, although I think I mostly have a plan in place.

My son was born March 26th, 2010
After working so hard to achieve our first pregnancy, we had already decided never to prevent another. But we were not ttc or paying attention.
My period returned March 6th, 2011.  I had 32 day or less cycles, and believed I was ovulating.
In May I went back on metformin, 1500mgs.
In June we officially began ttc #2
In July I tried 200mg Soy Isoflavones, CD3-7
In August I tried the Soy again at the same dosage since I thought I was ovulating.
In September, I left the Soy dosage the same, but did days 5-9 thinking egg quality must be the problem. I thought I o'd on cd17 because I experienced the same mild O symptoms as usual. Then, I experienced extreme O symptoms on cd28. I discuss that experience here. That turned out to be ovulation. Probably my first real ovulation in all that time.

So here I am 11DPO with no symptoms although we did dtd all through the window. I'm kicking myself for not realizing I was surging, but not actually ovulating. This is common with PCOS, and means not only that i've been pointlessly wasting time with no hope of conceiving, but also each cycle without ovulation probably added to the tiny cysts on my ovaries.  This will make ttc even more difficult. I know hindsight's 20/20, but I just would have done differently if I'd known.

Got to stop dwelling on the past, and focus on the present. I don't think my dosage of metformin is high enough. All the research I've read says the minimum effective dose is 2000mg, and this is the dose I was on when I conceived my son. My new doc didn't authorize that high a dose this time, and I'm kind of peeved about it now that I realize the consequences of that decision. If/when AF comes I'm calling the doc to up my prescription. I'll give that two months to work, and then try clomid.  My son is a soy baby, and this time I unknowingly wasted all these Soy cycles on too low a dosage. Though I didn't give Soy a fair shot, I did screw with my hormones for 3 months in a row. I'm planning to take two cycles off, and then screw with them again. I do believe phytoestrogens cause cancer, and if I'm going to risk further cycles I want to do it with what has the highest chance of success. That would be clomid instead of the soy. I'm so sad about the consequences of not knowing I wasn't ovulating, but, again, I have to move forward.

So, hoping to become preg in february, which would make my kids nearly 3 years apart instead of the two that I'd hoped. Such is the fate of the infertile, but the prize is worth waiting for.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

My boy's growing up!

An hour into 10DPO. Of course I tested this afternoon, 9DPO and it was bfn. I'm not upset and still have lots of hope. It's either too early or I'm not pregnant, same situation I was in before I tested! No real symptoms, but that makes sense since I don't have enough HCG to turn a test positive.  Most likely I'll test every day till AF shows.

Working third shift tonight, and the time change makes it 9 hours. Super nervous because tomorrow is the first time I'm letting my son be watched by a non-parent. We're paying a trusted friend to watch him regularly from 9-1pm on sundays so I can sleep. Otherwise I have to watch him all day, and then work all night again sunday night. I've done it since january and I'm ready for a break. I'm worried the exhausting weekends are effecting my fertility. I'm terrified to leave him. I think IF really changes the way you parent. At 19 months old he's never been watched for more than 3 hours by anyone besides myself or my husband. I'm with him all day, and I get up with him every night except the two nights a week I'm working. Not looking for a medal. In fact, I don't think it's that difficult. I've never understood mom's who 'just needed a break.'  Don't get me wrong, the first newborn weeks were hellish, but after doing that on my own I never minded getting up two or three times a night. Makes me sad that my boy is ready to be without me.  We've tested leaving him with friends for an hour or 2 a few times and he barely notices we left! I never pictured having an only child, or watching my child grow up alone. I wince everytime someone says he's an 'only child'. I hope to make him a big brother soon enough!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Time reveals all

As I still have seen neither hide nor hair of AF, and have continued to get BFNs I have to let go of my favorite theory. I was hoping that I ovulated on CD17, felt extreme implantation symptoms on CD28, and was pregnant. It's CD33. I have to let that idea go.

But, hope springs eternal. On CD28 my instinct was telling me I was ovulating. I was confused because I thought i'd already ovulated on CD17, but we BD with preseed CD28/29. It's only later that I changed my mind and came up with the above theory. I'm rolling with this. I'm declaring myself 5DPO and hoping for the best.  I even bought myself a different brand of pregnancy test under a fellow infertiles preposterous suggestion that it is brand of pregnancy test that determines bfp, not ovulation, fertility, or anything else. lol. Yet...I bought the brand she suggested. (dollar tree) It can't hurt.

Monday, October 31, 2011

PCOS Conjecture

No Period came. Lots of cramps in the morning and early afternoon, and then they faded into the occaisional twinge. I'm going to lay it out.

Possible O on CD17 after numerous signs.
CD28 (11DPO) I get even stronger O signs. Including signs i've never had before. This makes me think i've never actually O'd in all these cycles. My body's just been going through the motions.

CD28 possible ovulation was so strong I had cramps and the cramps continued through that day and 2 more days. I'm still kind of getting them. This made me realize I was 14 days past the CD17 possible ovulation and the cramps were probably my period coming. This made me sad.

Since I've been ttc #2 I've never been wrong about an anticipated AF arrival.  The past two cycles I guessed it down to within 2 hours.  If CD17 was right, then AF is offically late. Which got me on to a new theory. Perhaps I did O on CD17, and ACTUALLY CONCEIVED. (funny how this never crossed my mind up til now.) Perhaps on 11DPO the embryo implanted and thats all the cramping i felt and continue to feel. Perhaps I'm pregnant.

I held my pee for 4 hours, used an internet cheapie, bfn. :(

Thoughts? Theories? I guess i still could be pregnant, or it could be the CD28 ovulation theory, or changing luteal phase?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Wrong Again

It took me a while to catch on. I'm thinking, "how long do these O cramps stick around?" Finally it hits me. AF is around the corner. There are AF cramps, not O cramps. Which means I was right originally about when I o'd. The whole CD28 ovulation was completely in my imagination. The symptoms weren't tho. I really did have classic signs of ovulation, even stronger and more pronounced then I ever have. It makes no sense. I have no explaination.  I don't know if I ovulated on CD17 (which would make AF due today) or day 28 with all the strong signs.  I've heard of a lot of ovulation signs 7 days after O due to the hormones released by the follicle (I actually did get those 7 days after CD17) but never so much so late.

I've had success in the past using Soy Isoflavones instead of clomid on select days early in the cycle to make me ovulate and ovulate earlier. This cycle I did 200mg days 5-9, and the previous 2 cycles I did 200mgs days 3-7. I'm wondering if I should have increased the dosage a lot more. I didn't because I thought I was ovulating, but now I'm not so sure. I'm doing a natural cycle next because I don't believe in screwing with hormones more than 3 cycles in a row, but perhaps after that I should take up my OB on that cycle of clomid she offered. Also during this time I'm thinking about seeing a naturopathic doctor. I have one in mind and I'm thinking of calling monday to investigate the cost. I didn't think I needed help, but clearly I have no idea whats going on. I need help.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

OH PCOS

People on twitter must think I'm completely disconnected from my body and have no idea what's going on. I'm not. I have PCOS which sends conflicting signals. It raises some hormone levels and drops others. It's really hard to know whats going on, and sometimes I forget that. Although I've spent three years reading the latest research (during which I beat PCOS and delivered my wonderful son), and actively learned from other women on online IF forums, I still can be completely wrong. I have this confidence that comes from constantly educating myself on PCOS and reproduction, but I've been hoodwinked by PCOS yet again.

Since my period returned at 10 months postpartum, I have been charting my cycles, but not including bbt info due to my sleep schedule.  I've just been charting cervical mucus and cervical position. My cycle was 45 days at first, but soon shortened to 35 days and slowly shortened even more to 31 days. I've been super excited about this because a normal length cycle is a big deal for ladies with PCOS.  I've not been able to tell whether my cervix was open or not, but could tell position and texture, and especially with guifenisen I would notice an increase in CM around CD 18 or so. My cervical position would move up, and I'd assume I was ovulating.  I'd be further encouraged because my period would arrive exactly 14 days later. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. There's no garuntees with PCOS, but I now think my body was just going through the motions without actually ovulating.

So, all this time (Just 5 cycles, certainly not as long as some.) I've thought I was ovulating.  I've endured two week waits and endless negative pregnancy tests, and there's been no chance!!  I was really on the fence about going on clomid, but now i'm certainly considering it. Whats the point of going through a natural cycle if I have no chance? Ugh, it boggles the mind.

This post is getting too long so I'll sum up. I realized all this because I actually ovulated. Either yesterday or today, I don't know. But my cervix has never been so open, my mucus....I'll spare you the details, but you get it. And not just that. So many other symptoms that people have reported around ovulation, mood swings, naseous, a bit frisky, cramps, food cravings, all in a two day span. I'm annoyed that I've spent 6 months trying to conceive without ovulating, AND annoyed that I was on day 11 of an imagined two week wait, and now i'm starting over. But, I'm really glad to have an actual chance. I always said I'd start blogging when I actually got pregnant and make a pregnancy blog, but I couldn't wait any longer. Maybe I started one on the day I conceived! I hope so. And, I could be completely wrong again. With PCOS, you never ACTUALLY know whats going on without blood tests and ultrasounds.  Curious to see if my period comes in 3 days, or 14 days...or I'll take a bfp anytime!!